So, as some of you know, last week my boyfriend of four months--who I was crazy in love with--broke up with me for what is still, essentially, an unknown reason. Instead of trying to talk it out and fix it like every time before when he freaked out, I gave in.
This was sparked because I was being a good girlfriend and I wanted to fly out there to see him. Seriously.
Anyway, here I am one long week later, and all I've figured out is that long distance relationships are tricky and no matter how good a girlfriend I am, it's apparently not good enough for some people.
Oh, and that I have been starved of physical affection for four months and I seriously need to be kissed.
This entire ordeal is just a mess. I want to find someone in SoCal who will appreciate me and understand me, but somehow I'm too damned complicated and I'm....well, what am I exactly? I'm dauntingly intelligent (guy friends have told me this to my face without joking), I'm extremely straightforward and honest, I don't take people's crap, and I'm quick to decide how I feel about someone or something. Oh, and I vocalize those feelings. Not to mention the fact that I'm a tad overweight but extremely confident and outgoing.
So, what are good traits suddenly turn into bad traits as I try to find someone within my age group (for once) as teenage boys generally like their girls hot, stupid and not able to talk circles around them about things like politics or books. The guys who actually find those things attractive are either too old for me or intimidated by my youngness.
What am I to do? I'm 18 but I feel older. I hate school and I just want to have a steady job. I'm fiercely independent but I have virtually no freedoms yet, and I just want to skip the in-between-ness of college years and just go right into what I want out of life. I know I'm technically not ready yet, but life is moving too slowly for me. I'm more comfortable around people who are at least three years older than me than I am around people who are my own age. For the first time in two years I have more than two good friends who are close in age to or younger than me.
But I digress.
For me, I find it freaking impossible to find someone who meets even 50% of my standards who won't drive me up the wall. Like I found someone a while back--nice guy, a few days younger than me, sweet, caring, smart--and everything went swimmingly until I realized that half the time he had no idea what I was talking about, be it books, politics, philosophy....And all of a sudden, I didn't like him. He didn't challenge me at all. He didn't get me the way I want a guy to. He just followed along as best he could.
When I don't find someone who sees me as an equal (rare happening, there) I'm alone. Really. I've really never been asked out on a date more than twice in my life, and both times it just sort of naturally lead up to that point where if he didn't ask I would get worried. I've been told I'm intimidating, probably for the reasons I mentioned above, but I also know that I can be 'one of the guys' sometimes. I've been told I can be a girl but still laugh at the nerdy, simple, or stupid things some guys laugh at. I mean, 'Harold and Kumar' is actually one of my favorite movies. But is that all I am? The smart buddy, the girl to debate with but not....whatever enough to consider as more than a friend?
I mean, some guys like a take-charge kind of girl. But I'm not the guy, I'm not supposed to be calling all the shots about things. Most of my exes have left decisions about everything up to me if they realize it or not--first kiss, where we go, what we do, if we hold hands, everything. I like to be in control of things usually, but not regarding my love life (and you can take that however you want, I mean that in a few different ways). What's funny is the last few guys I've been serious with I've had power struggles with because they were too controlling. I don't need a control freak, I just need someone willing to step up and make the first move.
Am I too picky? Am I too modern? Am I too old for my age to be happy? I don't know anymore.
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