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  • Men vs Women

    RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.

    A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'

    This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

    LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

    MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

    MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

    BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

    GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

    CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

    MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Patrick Stewart's head.

    MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

    TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

    MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.

    JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

    TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

    FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'

    RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
    Growing older is manditory
    Growing up is however, optional

  • #2
    Re: Men vs Women

    :lol: Very Funny!! :lol:

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    • #3
      Re: Men vs Women

      OH Man that was a riot, and soooo true!!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Men vs Women

        CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
        :lmao::lmao::lmao: OMG!!!!!!!!
        ~~~:ap:~~~

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        • #5
          Re: Men vs Women

          A man has a little more trouble letting go.
          I dumped my ex almost 5 years ago and I bet he's still pinning away for me.

          MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
          My ex is in his mid 30's and STILL acts like a 12 year old from what I've been told.

          Women do laundry every couple of days.
          We do? I do mine once a week... usually on Sunday (the only day I have time for it).

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          • #6
            Re: Men vs Women

            :lol: very good Oogie, very good :lol:

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Men vs Women

              Originally posted by OogieBoogie
              RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
              :lmao: AHAHAHAHAA I can't Breathe! It's all too good!
              "Tonight I wash my hands of you
              You set the bar I could not live up to
              Tonight the light is breaking through
              So thank you very little and send me postcards from hell"
              Zebrahead

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              • #8
                Re: Men vs Women

                According to this list... I am a man.

                Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe...


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                • #9
                  Re: Men vs Women

                  Nice work Oogie...what a brilliant and funny way to end the week!
                  http://twitter.com/DisneyBrat
                  www.foursquare.com/user/disneybrat
                  http://www.facebook.com/Melissa.M.Solorzano

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                  • #10
                    Re: Men vs Women

                    Originally posted by OogieBoogie

                    TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.
                    Oy, 'aint that the truth! E-ticket has half a dozen force fx light sabors at home, among other toys ....and when he plays with them (which is daily), he instantly turns 6 years old again. :monkey:
                    Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
                    Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
                    Marge: [reading from the test box] "Ahoy, Maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be!"
                    Homer: So, which is it? Blue or purple?
                    Marge: Pink.
                    Homer: D'oh!
                    Marge: "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!"

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Men vs Women

                      Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
                      Oy, 'aint that the truth! E-ticket has half a dozen force fx light sabors at home, among other toys ....and when he plays with them (which is daily), he instantly turns 6 years old again. :monkey:
                      Oh thats all men... Give us a light saber and suddenly we are a 7 year old Jedi Knight again. We just show a good quality light saber to one of our guy friends and they will go 'COOL'.. we show it to a woman and she goes 'Why?'
                      Growing older is manditory
                      Growing up is however, optional

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Men vs Women

                        Originally posted by OogieBoogie
                        Oh thats all men... Give us a light saber and suddenly we are a 7 year old Jedi Knight again. We just show a good quality light saber to one of our guy friends and they will go 'COOL'.. we show it to a woman and she goes 'Why?'
                        This happened to me yesterday in Costco. Not good quality, mind you, but still the boyfriend had to pick it up and play with it and see if it would turn on and make those cool swooshy sounds. Boys. Eesh!!
                        MCDADMCA

                        ^clicky clicky^

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                        • #13
                          Re: Men vs Women

                          Originally posted by MissChristine
                          This happened to me yesterday in Costco. Not good quality, mind you, but still the boyfriend had to pick it up and play with it and see if it would turn on and make those cool swooshy sounds. Boys. Eesh!!
                          Wait... they have light sabres that make those cool swooshy sounds? NO WAY!!!!! I want one!

                          Originally posted by Senator David Wu (D-OR)
                          Don't let faux-klingons send real Americans to war!

                          Originally posted by TheHousingBubbleBlog
                          Everyone says that the U.S. doesn’t make anything anymore, but that’s not exactly true. We’re the world leader in the manufacturing of bull****.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Men vs Women

                            Originally posted by a_hyperbole
                            Wait... they have light sabres that make those cool swooshy sounds? NO WAY!!!!! I want one!
                            Well...I don't know if the Costco ones did...we tried but couldn't get it to work (although the sounds effects we were making were quite convincing). I've heard that there are ones out there that do make swooshy noises.....
                            MCDADMCA

                            ^clicky clicky^

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Men vs Women

                              Originally posted by MissChristine
                              Well...I don't know if the Costco ones did...we tried but couldn't get it to work (although the sounds effects we were making were quite convincing). I've heard that there are ones out there that do make swooshy noises.....
                              Those cost well over $100 and are quite durable... don't ask how I know this...
                              Growing older is manditory
                              Growing up is however, optional

                              Comment

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