Back in the day when this whole MC blog thing happened there were a group of us that really blogged here about our life. Random things from recent books to house projects to fears. I miss that in a way. I kinda' like how Micechat is removed from my friends and family, I mean okay some of y'all I consider friends, but if I post something on Facebook I feel like my mom, teacher, next door neighbor from 20 years ago, and who know who else will ask me "what's going on?" or try to be positive, or heck even try to cheer me up later on, which frankly right now I don't want. I kinda' want to vent stuff to the world have it thrown out there to random people I probably will never meet, and that's okay. Some of y'all meet a lot. I live in Western Washington... you really need to find me. And if I have met you (I've met a handful at different events) then you can piece together stuff about me and how I react to stuff, but it's not like you live with me and I have to be reminded "yes I did kinda' melt down in front of you."

Now onto the reason why I am posting this:

I feel really disenchanted with school right now. I just feel like I am putting in twice the work and not getting any return. It's my last quarter in my LPN program. I don't want to say I have senior-itisis (an infection resulting in being extremely lazy and not giving a darn toot about school), I feel burnt out by the whole thing. My classes went from Tuesday/Thursday and every other weekend to Tuesdays but I need to have 140 hours of precepting and clinical time. I got the schedule for precepting and it was EVERY.SINGLE. WEEKEND. I work. I have a job. I need to work. I work every other weekend. I have a pretty sweet schedule but at the same time I can't really change it a whole lot (last time I changed my schedule I asked for T/Thursdays off and I now work every Thursday and every other Tuesday). So I am trying to figure out how to put 16 days of clinicals in an 8 week period when I work 3 days a week (which doesn't seem bad, but my schedule is Thursday to Thursday with a random Sunday and Wednesday off.). On top of that I have class. It's kinda' hard. The school doubled our clinical hours. On top of that, instead of having multiple tests this quarter we have 2. On like 4 chapters. It's hard. I am finding that I'm so burnt out from doing work and school that I don't want to study.

We just started our precepting/clinicals and while I got my ideal assignment, since our last clinical last quarter and the first clinical this quarter over a month has happened. Things changed. My knee busted because of a student nurse while at work. So now as a student nurse (I am in the ER during NOCS) I am so afraid that I am over stepping my boundaries and I don't want to do that, and possibly get someone hurt, that the nurses who are working are saying I'm scared, indifferent/don't want to be there, or lazy. It's so far from the truth.

I just don't want someone to get hurt because I was overstepping and not listening to what the staff was saying because "I'm precepting!" That's what happened with my knee I have a torn meniscus in my left knee because some dumb student nurse didn't listen to me when I told her "leave the patient alone! He didn't want you to take his oxygen sat at 0200, what makes you think he wants you to assess him at 0300?" She was so gungho about doing her thing and had to do her darn assessment because that was part of her checklist that the patient got agitated, and crap hit the fan. And then she didn't think things through and use her brain, suddenly everything is messed up and I'm dealing with a confused patient who is trying to swing at me and turned wrong when helping him try to go to the bathroom, putting patient needs above my own. So I got hurt because of student nurse and later she tried to get me fired because she was again trying to overstep her boundaries (and she was going to talk to her teacher, which this made up thing would've gotten me expelled.). I don't want to be that student nurse. And trying to explain this to people, specifically your advisior when she's trying to tell you that if you aren't assertive you'll get stuck in nursing home precepting and you're sweating like a hog in heat, it's incredibly difficult.

I kinda' want to tell everyone "yes I want to learn! Yes I do understand nursing school is supposed to be stressful. But in the last four days I've wanted to quit it all twice." I know I will be a nurse, but I... I am feeling discouraged. I don't want to be the person that's in someone's face at all times being a pill. I want someone to tell me I'm doing something right instead of constantly being crapped on and not getting any sort of reward despite pushing myself so hard. I'm taking 648mg of Iron, a bleeping stool softener (TMI I know. I am trying to get my anemia under control so I can be less lethargic, thus better student), working 9 days straight... And yet I am not doing anything right.

89 days until my dang on Disney Cruise. I am now counting minutes and hours.