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  • Can i have an opinion

    "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
    - Anthony Burgess
    "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy placeľa place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
    - Walt Disney on Disneyland

  • #2
    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Really good but see if you can eliminate some of the extra "I"s. You can be desriptive and tell what you see etc without saying "I" so much maybe
    Waiting for Godot Micechat.com

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Can i have an opinion

      Originally posted by sleepyjeff
      Really good but see if you can eliminate some of the extra "I"s. You can be desriptive and tell what you see etc without saying "I" so much maybe
      thank you :squeeze:
      "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
      - Anthony Burgess
      "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy placeľa place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
      - Walt Disney on Disneyland

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Can i have an opinion

        Great job. I like your writing style very much.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Can i have an opinion

          It's decent, just quite a few grammatical errors and such
          But I will tell you that I got more into it than I thought... as I was reading it, a co-worker tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped :lol:
          Good morning, son
          In twenty years from now
          Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
          And I can tell you 'bout today
          And how I picked you up and everything changed
          It was pain
          Sunny days and rain
          I knew you'd feel the same things...


          sigpic

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Can i have an opinion

            That was really good ... it made me feel like I was walking through those turnstyles again! The one thing I would say is do take out some of the "I's" and you are going to separate this out into paragraphs right?
            Originally posted by drunkmom
            this is my first buzzed post in the DMCA -- I'm really in this club because I'm a bitch more than anything. I've only had to hit the backspace 4 (oops, make that 5) times in (now 7) in this (now 9) (now 15) in this post! Damn, now I'm up to 18! Our neighbors were (19) (20) making tequilla sunrises. I thought I couldn't do tequilla (22) anymore but (24) this stuff (26) was good! It started (27) with an s


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            • #7
              Re: Can i have an opinion

              Do not use "I" or "you"

              Your teacher wants you to describe Disneyland.


              This is a better example of how to get rid of the word "You" in the above sentence

              The teacher wants Disneyland to be described....

              Do you now see what the difference is and how better it seems?

              I am extremely good at writing very detailed essays. I would have taken your essay and re-written it for you, but I do not want to take the chances of getting yourself into trouble for copying. But you can ask me some advice on a few sentences that you think can be made better and you won't get in trouble by anyone for that.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Can i have an opinion

                When is this essay due? If you have any sentences that you think need to be changed but you do not know how to make them better...PM me or post them on the thread. And if I do not know how to make them better...I can have my former english teacher look at them and I guarantee she will make them better...and correct...within 24 hours. Believe me, I had here help me a few times and am amazed at how she can make sentences look better.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Can i have an opinion

                  A little jingle plays and she politely sayssaying
                  Just a tip. "Say" is a weak verb. Maybe try:

                  "..and she chirps a warm welcome..."
                  "I walk through the... and it merrily clicks a homecoming message..."

                  Then all the sudden Then out of nowhere comes the whistle of the mysterious train. There was a burst of steam from the train chimney then all of the sudden through the steam is the gold, red, and black shimmering from the train, slowly stopping at the station gloriously.
                  It's "all of a sudden". But what I wanted to draw your attention to was the frequent repetition of phrase structures bolded above. You can see that it weakens the piece somewhat. Also, these are stock phrases, which you might want to avoid as much as possible.

                  You say the train "came out of nowhere". Is there a similar experience you might liken it to? Perhaps rather than tacking on "mysterious" to the train (which is telling, not showing), is there a more evocative way you can describe the whistle of the oncoming train that suggests its "mystery"? Can you create that feeling without using the word itself?

                  I hope I don't come across too harshly - it is certainly intended with good intentions. Feel free to PM me if you would like a little more help. Oh and the posters above are correct - please fix your gramatical errors, paragraphing and even some word choices. ("Mediocre" is wrongly used, for instance.)
                  Last edited by jazzjunkie; 08-31-2005, 10:36 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Can i have an opinion

                    Originally posted by Disney Wrassler
                    Do you now see what the difference is and how better it seems?
                    I don't have much to ad for the OP as most of you seem to be doing a much better job of helping than I would. I hate grammar and such. I did find this amusing though (not picking on anyone so please don't take offense). You are writing about grammar corrections and you wrote "how better it seems". I could be wrong, but that just sounds a little funny to me. )



                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Can i have an opinion

                      Is "mediocrly" a word? Sounds like something I would make up.
                      I'd switch it to "deliberate."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Can i have an opinion

                        thanks for the help, i have until friday for the rough draft (so thats why its not perfect) and i think the final is due next week

                        im glad you micechatters enjoyed this :ap:
                        im gonna be correcting it later
                        "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
                        - Anthony Burgess
                        "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy placeľa place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
                        - Walt Disney on Disneyland

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Can i have an opinion

                          Originally posted by Disney Wrassler
                          Do not use "I" or "you"

                          Your teacher wants you to describe Disneyland.


                          This is a better example of how to get rid of the word "You" in the above sentence

                          The teacher wants Disneyland to be described....

                          Do you now see what the difference is and how better it seems?

                          I am extremely good at writing very detailed essays. I would have taken your essay and re-written it for you, but I do not want to take the chances of getting yourself into trouble for copying. But you can ask me some advice on a few sentences that you think can be made better and you won't get in trouble by anyone for that.

                          if you can, just change the weakest sentences.
                          you dont have too though
                          i still have to days to change it.
                          "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
                          - Anthony Burgess
                          "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy placeľa place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
                          - Walt Disney on Disneyland

                          Comment

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