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  • Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

    Let's pretend that you were printing up a Disneyland Today guidebook for a friend with some HONEST descriptions of the attractions in the park. What would you put in?

    Here's my entries:

    Autopia: Noisy, dull and an almost certain to result in whiplash. Certain to keep single digit IQ patrons entertained for hours.

    Matterhorn Bobsleds: Looks better than it rides. This rollercoaster was built before they invented banked curves so you are in for a mean, bumpy ride. Not recommended for large guests.

    Davey Crocket Canoes: Forget to workout at the gym the night before? Head to the canoes. Guaranteed to be seated behind a child with no idea how to work a paddle other than how to continue to splash you with gross, green , duck feces filled water.

    Innoventions: Ever wonder what it must feel like to walk around a Best Buy while it moves at 1MPH? Neither do I but apparently some Imagineers over in Burbank did and the result is Innoventions.
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  • #2
    Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

    Originally posted by ExJungleSkipper95
    Let's pretend that you were printing up a Disneyland Today guidebook for a friend with some HONEST descriptions of the attractions in the park. What would you put in?

    Here's my entries:

    Autopia: Noisy, dull and an almost certain to result in whiplash. Certain to keep single digit IQ patrons entertained for hours.

    Matterhorn Bobsleds: Looks better than it rides. This rollercoaster was built before they invented banked curves so you are in for a mean, bumpy ride. Not recommended for large guests.

    Davey Crocket Canoes: Forget to workout at the gym the night before? Head to the canoes. Guaranteed to be seated behind a child with no idea how to work a paddle other than how to continue to splash you with gross, green , duck feces filled water.

    Innoventions: Ever wonder what it must feel like to walk around a Best Buy while it moves at 1MPH? Neither do I but apparently some Imagineers over in Burbank did and the result is Innoventions.
    LOL, Bestbuy at 1 mph. Thats funny!

    I like how jerky matterhorn is because thats what makes it fun!

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    • #3
      Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

      Here are some more:

      Buzz Lightyear: Cute ride in which you become so obsessed with shooting anything that resembles a "Z" that you completely miss the attraction altogether.

      Enchanted Tiki Room: Early example of Audioanimatronics. Show would be great if the clicking of all those old animatronics running at once would be eliminated. A great place to take someone with deep fear of birds.

      Tom Sawyer Island: Want to be surrounded by running, screaming, sweating and smelly kids? Then this is the place for you! Don't forget to visit the many caves located on the island, most of which feature a distinct urinal smell thanks to those kids who couldn't find their way out and really, really had to go.

      Astro Orbiter: Yay! I'm flying around in circles just a few feet from the ground! Feel like an idiot? Good. You look like one too while flying around in those things.

      Peter Pan: Wow, look at that line! Lets' go on it. (One hour later). Hey, it's our turn, I can't wait to see what's inside. (30 seconds later) What the...? That's it?

      Teacups : Want to know what it feels like to get really drunk? Spin the crap out of this teacup and find out. Oh, and don't let the fact that your teacup has been puked in at least once already this week bother you.
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      • #4
        Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

        Thats funny. I want more!!

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        • #5
          Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

          Splash Mountain: Maximum WTF factor- both for fans of the original Song of the South, who will wonder when Brer Rabbit got hit by the beehive, and for kids today who have no idea what the story is supposed to be at, but hope that the big drop comes soon. Not recommended for cell phones.

          Space Mountain: Great ride, recently enhanced during a major renovation, but somehow lacking now that the ubiquitous "Space Cookie" has been removed. Chances are kids today won't notice or care - or so Disney seems to think, as they keep threatening to release "Rockit Mountain" on an unsuspecting public. Spelling is for sissies!

          Winnie the Pooh: Ever wondered what it would be like to have IQ points sucked out of your brain with a dull spoon? This attraction is about as exciting as playing with shredded construction paper while listening to Enya. And kiss those knees goodbye, because this "family" attraction was not designed for grownup passengers!

          Big Thunder Mountain: Truly a roller coaster for the whole family (assuming you're big enough for the safety restraint!) Your wussy mama's boy can sit with his mother in the front of the train and yawn his way through Brice Canyon, while daddy and the older kids whoop it up in the back row! Watch that goat with the dynamite really carefully and he might grant you a solid case of whiplash! This here's the wildest ride in the wilderness! And nothing says "fun" like the risk of being killed by poor maintenance!

          Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe...


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          • #6
            Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

            Autopia:Who cares if you drove 10-12 hours on the hot boring freeway to actually GET to Disneyland, stand in line forever and get in another small cramped noisey smelly car with you kids for a boring ride around a track. Fun Huh??

            Storybook boats: be sure to bring your magnifing glass otherwise you wont' be able to see anything on this boring ride

            Tiki room: And you thought Small World was annoying
            Janette


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            • #7
              Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

              The Haunted Mansion: Great attraction, not spooky at all really. Be sure to bring earplugs and apply them upon entering the stretching room due to the certainty of having your eardrums blasted by teenage girls amazing vocal chords.

              Winnie The Pooh: Visit the graveyard of a former great popular attraction which used to exist in this corner of the park, the Country Bear Jamboree. In it's place they erected a great example of "budget Imagineering" . Avoid this attraction at all costs unless you are a gluton for punishment to your senses.

              The Columbia: BEWARE! Although this slow moving sailboat seems tame and harmless it has killed a guest and it will kill again.
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              • #8
                Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

                Originally posted by ExJungleSkipper95
                Autopia: Noisy, dull and an almost certain to result in whiplash. Certain to keep single digit IQ patrons entertained for hours.
                Ouch. Insult to to the ride AND the people that enjoy it. Double-whammy!

                Makes me wonder though - is there anything you DO actually like at Disneyland? Or do I detect a bit of bitterness from the EX-Skipper. Hee hee hee...

                However, in the spirit of fun:

                Sun Wheel: Just had lunch and want some more, but feel too full to eat another bite? This stomach-churner is guaranteed to bring any food right back up, paving the way for churros-goodness.

                Golden Dreams: Bit sleepy and you don't think you'll make it to the fireworks? Grab a quite nap right here.

                Winnie the Pooh: Drugs are strictly forbidden in Disneyland, but after spinning around in a honey pot on a blustery day, only to be confronted by six foot tall characters outside, you'll barely notice the difference.

                Splash Mountain: The only place in the park where you can legitimately say you went down and got all wet. Well, legally anyway...

                Innoventions: We've seen the future, and we all live in one interconnected subterranean mall. Live tomorrow TODAY!

                Carousel: Cutting edge technology is what WDI is all about. Even we are entitled to one day off.

                Tea Cups: See Winnie the Pooh.
                I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. - Bill Hicks

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

                  Originally posted by ExJungleSkipper95
                  A great place to take someone with deep fear of birds.
                  Originally posted by Morrigoon
                  This attraction is about as exciting as playing with shredded construction paper while listening to Enya. And kiss those knees goodbye, because this "family" attraction was not designed for grownup passengers!
                  :lmao: Those were awesome!

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                  • #10
                    Re: Your personal Disneyland Today descriptions of attractions

                    Hey, we might like the attractions we're mocking, but there's always room for Sarcasm(tm)

                    Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe...


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