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  • #21
    oldie but goodie, migitmouse!
    Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
    Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
    Marge: [reading from the test box] "Ahoy, Maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be!"
    Homer: So, which is it? Blue or purple?
    Marge: Pink.
    Homer: D'oh!
    Marge: "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!"

    Comment


    • #22
      from Cousin Orville's joke corner...

      How many Presser's does it take to change a light bulb?

      Apparently more than one, because when he was around they never got changed!
      "As usual he's taken over the coolest spot in the house"- Father re: Orville 1963

      [FONT=Arial Narrow]

      Comment


      • #23
        Knock Knock...
        Who's there?
        Iger...
        Iger who?
        I gear up to become the new CEO and no one will let me!
        "As usual he's taken over the coolest spot in the house"- Father re: Orville 1963

        [FONT=Arial Narrow]

        Comment


        • #24
          Knock Knock..
          Who's there?
          Eisner..
          Eisner who?
          Eisnervous about interviewing with you in the room.
          "As usual he's taken over the coolest spot in the house"- Father re: Orville 1963

          [FONT=Arial Narrow]

          Comment


          • #25
            Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
            Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
            The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
            That reminds me of that restaurant on the Moon. Great food, but no atmosphere ....
            "She's taking everything. She's taking the house, she's taking the kid, she's taking the dog. IT'S NOT EVEN HER DOG. IT'S MY DOG! SHE'S TAKING . . . MY DOG!"
            - Ron Livingston, "Band of Brothers"

            Comment


            • #26
              Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
              A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

              :lol: OMG...that's a good one.

              Comment


              • #27
                Originally posted by Giant Panda
                That reminds me of that restaurant on the Moon. Great food, but no atmosphere ....
                OMG i'm in tears!
                Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
                Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
                Marge: [reading from the test box] "Ahoy, Maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be!"
                Homer: So, which is it? Blue or purple?
                Marge: Pink.
                Homer: D'oh!
                Marge: "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!"

                Comment


                • #28
                  this one's totally obscure.. if you know the answer, i'll give ya extra points.

                  What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungi cord?
                  Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
                  Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
                  Marge: [reading from the test box] "Ahoy, Maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be!"
                  Homer: So, which is it? Blue or purple?
                  Marge: Pink.
                  Homer: D'oh!
                  Marge: "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!"

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    ^ My !

                    Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
                    "Tonight I wash my hands of you
                    You set the bar I could not live up to
                    Tonight the light is breaking through
                    So thank you very little and send me postcards from hell"
                    Zebrahead

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
                      this one's totally obscure.. if you know the answer, i'll give ya extra points.

                      What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungi cord?

                      Waiting for a punchline ..........
                      "She's taking everything. She's taking the house, she's taking the kid, she's taking the dog. IT'S NOT EVEN HER DOG. IT'S MY DOG! SHE'S TAKING . . . MY DOG!"
                      - Ron Livingston, "Band of Brothers"

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        Thanks for getting the reference Hector
                        Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
                        Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
                        Marge: [reading from the test box] "Ahoy, Maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be!"
                        Homer: So, which is it? Blue or purple?
                        Marge: Pink.
                        Homer: D'oh!
                        Marge: "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!"

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          The dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
                          The King is back and he's ready to kick some tail. Do not mess with a mouse in black.

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

                            she wanted to see what was on the other side.
                            procrastibating

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her
                              to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees
                              that she is no longer pregnant.

                              Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

                              The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies
                              are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

                              The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

                              Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

                              "Denise," the doctor answers.

                              The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong
                              about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

                              Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

                              The doctor replies, "Denephew."
                              "She's taking everything. She's taking the house, she's taking the kid, she's taking the dog. IT'S NOT EVEN HER DOG. IT'S MY DOG! SHE'S TAKING . . . MY DOG!"
                              - Ron Livingston, "Band of Brothers"

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                Understanding Engineers - Take One
                                Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
                                you get such a great bike?"
                                The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
                                minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
                                threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
                                what you want."
                                The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
                                probably wouldn't have fit."

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Two
                                To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
                                half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
                                be.

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Three
                                A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
                                particularly slow group of golfers.
                                The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
                                for 15 minutes!"
                                The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
                                ineptitude!"
                                The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
                                with him."
                                "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
                                slow, aren't they?"
                                The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
                                firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
                                last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
                                silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
                                a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
                                going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
                                can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
                                night?"

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Four
                                What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
                                Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Five
                                The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
                                graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
                                graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
                                graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Six
                                Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
                                possible designers of the human body.
                                One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
                                Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
                                many thousands of electrical connections."
                                The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
                                a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
                                "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
                                believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
                                An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
                                better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
                                enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
                                relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
                                the passion and mystery he found there.
                                The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and
                                a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
                                woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

                                Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
                                An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
                                and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
                                over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
                                again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
                                princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog
                                out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
                                The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
                                princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
                                engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
                                pocket.
                                Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
                                beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
                                anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
                                The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
                                girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
                                "She's taking everything. She's taking the house, she's taking the kid, she's taking the dog. IT'S NOT EVEN HER DOG. IT'S MY DOG! SHE'S TAKING . . . MY DOG!"
                                - Ron Livingston, "Band of Brothers"

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  Only in America .....

                                  ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




                                  ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




                                  ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




                                  ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




                                  ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




                                  ....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




                                  ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
                                  "She's taking everything. She's taking the house, she's taking the kid, she's taking the dog. IT'S NOT EVEN HER DOG. IT'S MY DOG! SHE'S TAKING . . . MY DOG!"
                                  - Ron Livingston, "Band of Brothers"

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    As an engineer, why does so much of this seem so true?

                                    Originally posted by Giant Panda
                                    Understanding Engineers - Take One
                                    Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
                                    you get such a great bike?"
                                    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
                                    minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
                                    threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
                                    what you want."
                                    The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
                                    probably wouldn't have fit."

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Two
                                    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
                                    half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
                                    be.

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Three
                                    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
                                    particularly slow group of golfers.
                                    The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
                                    for 15 minutes!"
                                    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
                                    ineptitude!"
                                    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
                                    with him."
                                    "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
                                    slow, aren't they?"
                                    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
                                    firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
                                    last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
                                    silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
                                    a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
                                    going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
                                    can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
                                    night?"

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Four
                                    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
                                    Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Five
                                    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
                                    graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
                                    graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
                                    graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Six
                                    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
                                    possible designers of the human body.
                                    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
                                    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
                                    many thousands of electrical connections."
                                    The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
                                    a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
                                    "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
                                    believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
                                    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
                                    better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
                                    enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
                                    relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
                                    the passion and mystery he found there.
                                    The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and
                                    a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
                                    woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

                                    Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
                                    An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
                                    and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
                                    over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
                                    again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
                                    princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog
                                    out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
                                    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
                                    princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
                                    engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
                                    pocket.
                                    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
                                    beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
                                    anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
                                    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
                                    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

                                    Comment

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