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  • Gwyren
    replied
    As an engineer, why does so much of this seem so true?

    Originally posted by Giant Panda
    Understanding Engineers - Take One
    Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
    you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
    minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
    threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
    what you want."
    The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
    probably wouldn't have fit."

    Understanding Engineers - Take Two
    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
    half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
    be.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Three
    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
    particularly slow group of golfers.
    The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
    for 15 minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
    ineptitude!"
    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
    with him."
    "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
    slow, aren't they?"
    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
    firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
    last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
    silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
    a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
    going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
    can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
    night?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Four
    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
    Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Five
    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
    graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
    graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
    graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Six
    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
    possible designers of the human body.
    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
    many thousands of electrical connections."
    The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
    a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
    "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
    believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
    better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
    enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
    relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
    the passion and mystery he found there.
    The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and
    a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
    woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

    Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
    An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
    and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
    over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
    again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
    princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog
    out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
    princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
    engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
    pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
    beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
    anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

    Leave a comment:


  • Giant Panda
    replied
    Only in America .....

    ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




    ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




    ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




    ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




    ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




    ....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




    ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

    Leave a comment:


  • Giant Panda
    replied
    Understanding Engineers - Take One
    Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
    you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
    minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
    threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
    what you want."
    The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
    probably wouldn't have fit."

    Understanding Engineers - Take Two
    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
    half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
    be.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Three
    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
    particularly slow group of golfers.
    The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
    for 15 minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
    ineptitude!"
    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
    with him."
    "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
    slow, aren't they?"
    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
    firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
    last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
    silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
    a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
    going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
    can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
    night?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Four
    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
    Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Five
    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
    graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
    graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
    graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Six
    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
    possible designers of the human body.
    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
    many thousands of electrical connections."
    The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
    a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
    "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
    believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
    better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
    enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
    relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
    the passion and mystery he found there.
    The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and
    a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
    woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

    Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
    An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
    and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
    over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
    again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
    princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog
    out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
    princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
    engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
    pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
    beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
    anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

    Leave a comment:


  • Giant Panda
    replied
    Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her
    to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees
    that she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies
    are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

    "Denise," the doctor answers.

    The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong
    about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

    Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

    The doctor replies, "Denephew."

    Leave a comment:


  • Tinkerbelle
    replied
    Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

    she wanted to see what was on the other side.

    Leave a comment:


  • Small Panda After All
    replied
    The dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

    Leave a comment:


  • Cuzco-topia
    replied
    Thanks for getting the reference Hector

    Leave a comment:


  • Giant Panda
    replied
    Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
    this one's totally obscure.. if you know the answer, i'll give ya extra points.

    What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungi cord?

    Waiting for a punchline ..........

    Leave a comment:


  • Hector
    replied
    ^ My !

    Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."

    Leave a comment:


  • Cuzco-topia
    replied
    this one's totally obscure.. if you know the answer, i'll give ya extra points.

    What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungi cord?

    Leave a comment:


  • Cuzco-topia
    replied
    Originally posted by Giant Panda
    That reminds me of that restaurant on the Moon. Great food, but no atmosphere ....
    OMG i'm in tears!

    Leave a comment:


  • The Mad Hatter
    replied
    Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    :lol: OMG...that's a good one.

    Leave a comment:


  • Giant Panda
    replied
    Originally posted by Cuzco-topia
    Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
    That reminds me of that restaurant on the Moon. Great food, but no atmosphere ....

    Leave a comment:


  • Cousin Orville
    replied
    Knock Knock..
    Who's there?
    Eisner..
    Eisner who?
    Eisnervous about interviewing with you in the room.

    Leave a comment:


  • Cousin Orville
    replied
    Knock Knock...
    Who's there?
    Iger...
    Iger who?
    I gear up to become the new CEO and no one will let me!

    Leave a comment:


  • Cousin Orville
    replied
    from Cousin Orville's joke corner...

    How many Presser's does it take to change a light bulb?

    Apparently more than one, because when he was around they never got changed!

    Leave a comment:


  • Cuzco-topia
    replied
    oldie but goodie, migitmouse!

    Leave a comment:


  • migitmouse88
    replied
    this is a funny one

    why did the chicken cross the road????? to get to the other side! :lol:

    Leave a comment:


  • Cuzco-topia
    replied
    What do you get when you cross a elephant with a rhyno?

    Elephyno (say it outloud to get it)

    Can you tell I likey the jokes?

    Leave a comment:


  • Cuzco-topia
    replied
    How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind too!

    Leave a comment:

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