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Not sure why I'm writing this..


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  • Not sure why I'm writing this..

    Dear all,

    No, this isn't a grande exit or anything like that. But my head is swimming right now and I feel the urge to write. I normally would post something like this on my blog...but it doesn't get much traffic these days.

    And what I'm about to write about is because, sometimes, just sometimes, it's easier to see things when I write about them.

    My grandfather just died yesterday morning.

    I'm numb about the whole thing. I believe doctors refer to it as shock. For me, physically, it reminds me of when I quit smoking for some reason. That feeling that something so normal, so everyday, has been removed and we have to start all over again.

    My aunt, with whom he was living with, decided to take a vacation to the Jersey shore (they live in Pennsylvania) and instead of going with them, my grandfather asked if he could stay with his friends at the Senior Center. At dinner, he apparently was fine; by breakfast, he had moved on.

    My relationship with this segment of my family had just boomed recently. My biological father passed away when I was 4 years old. My mother was forced to hold three-to-four different jobs a week to keep money in the coffers. Our home was in New York; but every summer, on the end of Memorial Day weekend, I was shipped off to Penn to live with my paternal grandparents. Even tho their beloved son had died, both my mother and them had maintained a very close relationship. And since money was short, having me in Penn helped greatly. Three, sometime four months I lived with them, every summer until I was 12.

    Being very Old World, my grandmother taught me to cook and my grandfather taught to fix cars, fish and read the Sunday paper comics with flare.

    And how to enjoy my grandmother's Double chocolate sundaes every Sunday after church and lunch.

    Those days are gone now, a batch of wonderful memories I'll never forget.

    The last I saw of Gordo (my grandfather, sorry, a momentary lapse) was this past June. My cousin, a Michigan cop, got married. My partner and I decided it was time for my hubbie to meet my grandfather. He was the last segment of my family I was not "out" to. I'm not sure why I could not bring myself to tell him prior. His age gave me pause, I suppose; but it was burning within me that he still didn't know about my being gay.

    My grandfather and I, since about 6 years ago, you see, have been emailing each other once or twice a week. It gave him something to do; it gave me the relationship with him in this new modern age.

    So my husband/partner met my grandfather.

    And, not long after returning to Colorado, I got an email from him:

    He said, "you know, if your roommate wants to be my grandson too, that's fine. He seems okay enough and makes you happy. And our family can always use another good person."

    I don't know if I can afford to fly out to Pennsylvania to his wake; this is my first week of going back to school as a teacher--a critical time for many teachers where they establish their relationships with students.

    I'm torn about going.

    My partner works for AAA (for Northern California, no less!) that recongnizes domestic partners. So he can get the time off if he wants to go with me to the funeral.

    My grandfather also has a little chihuahua he just adopted 4 weeks ago.

    Proof that dying was not on his agenda.

    I'm thinking I'll adopt the little dog. And if I do, I'll fly out to get it. Never flown with a dog before. Anyone?

    I guess what causes me to well-up more than anything is that, yesterday, before heading to my early morning time at the gym (actually, something I usually can't wait for all week), I had e-mailed him my usual greetings and questions about "Gracie" his new puppy. I wrote him at around 7am MST.

    I found out he had passed away during the night by 8am.

    So, somewhere out in the ether that is our internet, lies a note to my beloved Grandfather. I can only hope he knows he was still on my mind.

    Thanks for reading this. I feel a bit better now.

    It's going to be a while before I'm whole again.

    The Roo
    husband, petowner, wordsmith, imagineer, martialist, playwright, traveller, ardent, wit, critic, barista, Taoist, superhero, fortuneteller, reader, fidget, teacher, dreamer, author, blogger, ghosthunter, voter, patient, bear, gourmand, Floridian, friend

  • #2
    Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

    I am so very sorry for your loss Roo. It really sounds like you had developed a wonderful relationship with your grandfather--the kind that many people envy and dream about.

    I am sure that he knows he was still in your thoughts. He I am sure, even if he never sees the email, will know exactly how you felt and how much he meant to you. And I think adopting the puppy is a great idea.

    As for the wake? If you can afford it, go. Even though it is the first week of school, students will easily understand why you were out if in fact it comes to them. I think it would be a very appropriate way to show just how much he means to you, and if your partner goes too. I mean, as your grandfather said, he is a grandson now too.

    I wish you all the good thoughts and prayers I have. You are such a wonderful, kind person that I cannot imagine how difficult this must be. We are all here for you, whenever you need our support.
    It's a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah...Tip for Today!


    • #3
      Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..


      My condolences.

      (What else can I say?)
      Last edited by AlexLoup; 08-19-2007, 10:27 AM.


      • #4
        Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

        My deepest condolences to you, Roo. You grandfather sounds like a helluva guy.

        Trust me, he knows.


        • #5
          Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

          Death is hard enough when one expects it, such as a life threatening disease or what not. Unexpected deaths are the hardest.

          You're in my thoughts, know that.

          Here's my opinions (whether you want them or not ). Go. You'll only be gone most, what, a week? Your kids will still be there when you return. Subs are everywhere to cover for you. This is too important not to go. And if you don't you might regret it someday. Family first.

          As for the dog, flying with them isn't an issue, especially this one since it's so small. You can actually carry it on the plane as a "carry on" piece, and store it under the seat in front of you. You might need to see a vet to give it some relaxer medication before you leave. Check with the airline first though. You'll need to purchase a pet carrying case to do this.

          Cry - it's ok.
          Laugh - it's ok.
          Yell - it's ok.
          Grieve however you must. Everyone is different and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

          Best wishes to you. :squeeze:


          • #6
            Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

            :ghug: I'm so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful story and great memories.


            • #7
              Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

              :ghug: My thoughts and prayers are with you. And listen to O'Nut, I couldn't say anything better than he already did.


              • #8
                Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                I am soooo sorry for your loss.:ghug: You have such wonderful memories of him and thank you for sharing them. I, too, think you should go. It will help you get closure as well. I didn't go to my gramma's and I regret it every day. You should go. Onut's right, there are subs to cover for you. You have all year to bond with your students.
                Founding member of the B.A. I LOVE US!!
                FratSor Sister-Delta Mu Chi Alpha ΔΜΧΑ
                I bring the magic!!!
                "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them"
                Originally posted by Reverend DMother
                Girl bonding is just so necessary. It's just as important as "me" time. A good girl bonding session leaves you feeling so refreshed. :love: I think of it as a NEED vs a want. There are just things that you need to talk to other women with. You may have the best relationship in the world with your husband, but there are just times you need your girlfriends. It makes for a healthier and happier you which makes everything else you do better.


                • #9
                  Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                  Oh Roo... :squeeze:
                  i am so sorry for your loss.
                  Losing my grandfather was the hardest thing ever.
                  I agree that you should go to the wake. I think that right now it's important for you to do that, for the closure, to say goodbye. And to adopt that little doggie.
                  I'll be thinking and praying for you. :squeeze:
                  Good morning, son
                  In twenty years from now
                  Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
                  And I can tell you 'bout today
                  And how I picked you up and everything changed
                  It was pain
                  Sunny days and rain
                  I knew you'd feel the same things...



                  • #10
                    Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish I knew something more profound to say, but I don't. :squeeze:

                    "Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
                    Mark Twain


                    • #11
                      Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                      Roo.... I have so little to add because everyone else has offered such wonderful advice and support. What a touching story about your grandfather... he sounds like a most amazing human being. I know you will miss him greatly, but always remember that no one is every truely gone as long as we remember them and hold them in our heart. First and formost, do what every you have to do for yourself. If you feel you need to go back for the services, then by all means... find a way to make it happen. The job will be there, you are entitled to spend time with your family right now.

                      I'm not a very religious person, but I do believe that when our loved ones leave us, they cross over and become angels that are there and watch over us during the times when we most need them. Your grandfather has his wings now, and he'll always be watching over you..... :squeeze:

                      Thoughts of support headed your way dear Roo......

                      Help me get more security in Pingvinivlle! Click here!

                      Originally posted by AGhostFromThePast
                      all you need to know about the mommy stick is.. out of all the bad things that could happen to you... it's right between wetting yourself and death.


                      • #12
                        Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                        Oh, Roo. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grandfather sounded like a wonderful and caring man. Please take the time to grieve properly. Your students will survive and you will look back, glad that you took the time to do so.

                        My heartfelt condolences to you. We'll keep you and your family in our thoughts.
                        "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
                        - Satchel Paige


                        • #13
                          Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                          I am sending my sympathies and condolences, too. My grandmother's passing was somewhat like that too, very unexpected. So, I know how you feel.

                          - hugs -


                          • #14
                            Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                            Originally posted by Roo719 View Post
                            I don't know if I can afford to fly out to Pennsylvania to his wake; this is my first week of going back to school as a teacher--a critical time for many teachers where they establish their relationships with students.
                            I'm a teacher too, so I know how you are feeling about the first week of school. But go say good-bye to a cherished family member and good friend. Your kids WILL be fine and you can begin your first week of school a few days later.

                            My sympathies....


                            • #15
                              Re: Not sure why I'm writing this..

                              So sorry to hear about your grandfather. Big hugs coming your way!
                              Will trade husband for Disneyland and DCA Pins!


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