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A publice service announcement from John Cleese


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  • A publice service announcement from John Cleese

    Hello everyone. Mac Daddy here (formerly Localdisnyfan) with a rather urgent message from Monty Python's John Cleese. I'm still looking up "revocation" but I really like #3. Your thoughts?

    A Message from John Cleese:

    To: The citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potatochips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    God save the Queen. Only He can. John Cleese

  • #2
    Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

    Funny, but not from John Cleese.
    Follow me on Twitter and Facebook.


    • #3
      Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

      I doubt actually penned by John Cleese but nonetheless funny. :lol:

      Edit: Didn't see post #2 when I did the reply.

      "I dream of the day when you can go to a drive through, purchase alcohol, tobacco, and bullets, and use them all before you get home" -- Dogbert


      • #4
        Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

        This has been floating around for quite awhile but always good for a laugh or too.


        • #5
          Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

          Originally posted by disneytim View Post
          Some people are just so darn gullible. I swear...they'll believe ANYTHING just because someone sends it to them as an email.


          And now for something completely different.....

          Game Show Host (John Cleese): Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. First this evening we have Mr Norman Voles of Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's works. Mr Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote all those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?

          Voles (Michael Palin): That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.

          Host: Mr Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?

          Voles: 43.

          Host: Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?

          Voles: Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.

          Host: Ah!

          Voles: There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!

          Host: Mr Voles, thank you very much for coming along.

          Voles: My pleasure.

          Host: Next we have Mr Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj Mahal.

          Wymiss (Eric Idle): No.

          Host: I'm sorry?

          Wymiss: No. No.

          Host: I thought you cla...

          Wymiss: Well I did but I can see I won't last a minute with you.

          Host: Next...

          Wymiss: I was right!

          Host: ... we have Mrs Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla... Mrs Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?

          Mittelschmerz (Graham Chapman): That I can burrow through an elephant.

          Host: (Pause) Now you've changed your claim, haven't you. You know we haven't got an elephant.

          Mittelschmerz: (Insincerely) Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!

          Host: You're not fooling anybody, Mrs Mittelschmerz. In your letter you quite clearly claimed that ... er ... you could be thrown off the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be buried.

          Mittelschmerz: No, you can't read my writing.

          Host: It's typed.

          Mittelschmerz: It says 'elephant'.

          Host: Mrs Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I'm not prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!

          Mittelschmerz: Here, no, leave me alone! (Sound of wind and sea).


          • #6
            Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

            I don't know about you, but those chips sound terrific. God Save the Queen!


            • #7
              Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

              That was funny. I liked #8. And I'm always up for a properly brewed cuppa tea (# 17).

              So, you changed your name to Mac Daddy. When did this happen and why? This is going to take some getting used to!


              • #8
                Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

                I want British chips so I can say, "These chips are gorgeous!" ala Rose Tyler.

                "But every night, when it gets dark
                and the stars come out,
                I'll look up on her behalf.
                I'll look up in the sky and think of you."


                • #9
                  Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

                  I like having to have a permit for the veggie peeler. I cut myself on one yesterday. Talk about ow.


                  • #10
                    Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

                    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
                    Praise glory be! I think those words look a lot better with the "U" anyway.

                    And I loooove proper English chips smothered with vinegar. I need to go to the British goods shop in Tampa to stock up on my Walker's cheese & onion crisps and Cadbury. I am dying for a Dream bar!


                    • #11
                      Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

                      Originally posted by disneytim View Post
                      Funny, but not from John Cleese.
                      But I still heard John Cleese's voice in my mind while I was reading it.

                      Originally posted by Wendygirl View Post
                      So, you changed your name to Mac Daddy. When did this happen and why? This is going to take some getting used to!
                      Yeah, I told him the same thing...

                      Help me get more security in Pingvinivlle! Click here!

                      Originally posted by AGhostFromThePast
                      all you need to know about the mommy stick is.. out of all the bad things that could happen to you... it's right between wetting yourself and death.


                      • #12
                        Re: A publice service announcement from John Cleese

                        Hilarious! Thanks for sharing even if it was disappointing to learn that it's not really from John Cleese.


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