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<.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

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  • <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  • #2
    Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    Hello TheJOsh.

    I read your story and liked most of it.... Something baout the "black lipstick" part didn't work for me.... I think most girls...at least the younger ones I know who are rebellious don't wear it.. it's to cliche for a goth girl... I even know Goth girls who think it's cliche.

    I also don't like the "...held eachother and laughed." line... it sounds off..

    Other than that, I really liked it. You know how people say that "When one door closes, a window opens."? This story sounds reminds me of that whoosh noise a window makes when you first crack it open...


    To live would be an awfully big adventure.

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    • #3
      Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

      Well I'm interested to find out more.....

      but a couple things bothered me...

      at the beginning it sounds like the girls live in a big city
      You couldn’t see any stars in this neighborhood. What little of the sky you could see between all the poplar trees and power poles were overpowered by the stupid city lights.
      but later you say

      “Then we will drive back home to Point Reyes and will have been to more places than just about anyone else in town.”
      most people wouldn't notice but for someone who lives close to point Reyes it rings false I have seen some of the most beautiful spectacular starry nights there.

      watch your settings small details make a big impact

      and I've personaly never kissed a friend the way that it is discribed
      “Just shut up and give me a kiss.” Ashley said and they both laughed.
      but that could be just me....

      I think you got how they feel about their parents down well

      or the undeniable fact that it was no different than going to school with boys every day during the school year. It was unfair and wrong.
      hmmmmm that sounds a bit familiar to me...were you in my house about 17 years ago???

      keep going, your doing well...

      just my opinion
      procrastibating

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      • #4
        Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

        trust me, you don't hurt my feelings with negitive responses.

        Thanks for the input.

        For example, I didn't mean for them to kiss, just joke about it. I never say they kiss, but I guess the inuendo sends it further than I wanted it to go.
        St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

        "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert




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        • #5
          Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

          Yeah it does... it's good though. It's kinda tense... I'd play upo on that tense feeling. Unless you're not going in the direction of the girls falling for eachother.

          Are you an english teacher? I remember you saying something about a school.. and girls... that might have been the cancer walk though.

          To live would be an awfully big adventure.

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          • #6
            Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

            I'm an education student, but I work at a girls residential treatment center, where I dressed like Alice and walked for about a ga-billion hours.
            St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

            "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert




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            • #7
              Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

              I really liked it, actually. It reminded me of my kid sister and her best friend...only with more makeup.
              They are the Disney Princesses and their goal is world domination. -Mary McNamara | LA Times / AP

              Fall 2004: Fantasyland Attractions

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              • #8
                Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

                Originally posted by Bibliophile
                I really liked it, actually. It reminded me of my kid sister and her best friend...only with more makeup.
                Thanks. I've been getting a lot of comments about the makeup. LOL. I guess I don't know much about how and why teenage girls wear makeup.

                honestly, I just saw two girls walking downt the street dressed like this.
                St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

                "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert




                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: &lt;.&lt; &gt;.&gt; uh. I need a woman's perspective.

                  I'm not female so I can't give much perspective from that angle, but I did really like it.

                  A couple of thoughts...

                  I second the comment about being careful where setting is concerned.

                  Also, I got hung up on this particular line:

                  “My mother is so full of it their eyes are brown.”
                  The word "their" seems out of place. Perhaps, "Our mothers are so full of it, their eyes are brown" or "My mother is so full of it, her eyes are brown".

                  It's a small thing but I wanted to point it out. Otherwise, I think you write really well and I enjoyed reading it.
                  "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
                  - Satchel Paige

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