When I said I DO..I didn't think I'd be DOING it all

[TheOtherVillainess]

Brandon is currently ripping the bedroom to shreds because he can't find the remote to the TV in there. He blames me. I'm not even entirely sure it's my fault. I stubbed my toe on one of his stupid workboots and bent it back some, so now my toe is bleeding. Great. -_- I've decided I'm staying up do to all the laundry and not sleeping with him tonight because I'm upset he yelled at me. ;_; He cursed me out (something he never does) and I had to leave the room because I was afraid he was going to hit me or something. I can hear him in there watching TV but I have no clue as to whether he found the remote or not. I'm scared to go back in there in case he starts yelling at me again. I honestly can't believe he didn't wake up James with all the screaming he did at me (and me at him...). I hate being yelled at. I get yelled at enough at work without him starting in.

*sigh*This is the second fight we've had today.We had one this morning before I left for work over whether or not he should unload the dishwasher. I had no idea that when I said "I Do", I'd be DOING it all. Before James arrived, I didn't mind so much. But it seems so much harder to keep the house clean now. And I don't seem to have as much time as I did before to keep it clean because I've got to play with him, feed him,bathe him, read him bedtime stories, change endless diapers and keep him from killing himself by chewing on the electrical cords or whatever. I end up doing 99% of the housework. Brandon helps..every once in a great while, but it's not that often and he says it's not his job to do housework. Now see..BJ (before James),that was ok with me. But now it seems like I need more help and he just doesn't want to help. Most of the time I want to hit him (Brandon) because he just sits there and watches ME do everything.

If I could afford it, sometimes I think I'd get a divorce. I am trying my hardest to keep this marriage from going down the tubes by trying to keep Brandon happy,but I'm not sure it's working. I'm so tired all the time now..from the minute I get up in the morning till the time I go to bed. And I'm not sure why. We can't afford to go to the dr right now to find out either. We just don't have the money and I know it's MY fault because I'm the one without a clear career path, the one with the ****ty job that doesn't pay crap. And it's my fault. All my fault we are in trouble financially.

Every month (as he reminds me constantly)we are barely keeping our heads above water. We don't buy ANYTHING we don't have to. We don't have ANYTHING..no cable. No DSL. We ate out ONCE in the last three months and that was because I got a $10 gift cert to On the Border and it made our meal only like 15 bucks for the both of us or something. We haven't gone out ALONE in god knows how long. Probably since we saw "13 going on 30" when James was 3 wks old.

It's my fault the remote is lost, I'm sure of it now that I've been thinking about it. Everything in this house is my fault. Everything that goes wrong is almost always my fault. My dad used to say I had the reverse of Midas' touch. Everything I touch turns to **** instead of to gold. Because I'm screwed up. And that's my fault too. If I had been a better kid, maybe mom and dad wouldn't have gotten divorced. If I had been better behaved and better able to keep Liz and Cody in line, maybe Mom and Pete wouldn't have fought so much or yelled at us so much. Maybe..if I'd only been better..if I were thinner and prettier, Brandon would love me more.

I just don't know anymore. I know I'm stupid..really stupid. Which is why the remote is lost. Because I'm a complete moron and I probably was the one who lost it.

[IndyJn511]

So the remote is lost. Big deal. You guy's will work things out and be happy again soon. Every relationship has it's rough edges, the ability to work through them constitutes your love for each other. Keep on truckin', and remember: Were all here for you!

[TheOtherVillainess]

See that's the thing? I'm sick and tired of doing it all, but I can't get him to help one single stinking bit! It's like I work 2 fulltime jobs, but I only get PAID for one of them. He refuses to give me a credit card or a checkbook because he says we cannot afford for me to just go spend money whenever I feel like it. He got mad at me the LAST time he gave me pocket money because I was SUPPOSED to go buy new bras with it. I bought ONE bra and a teeshirt I wanted, because I hadn't bought anything 'just for me' in so damned long.

TOV

[dramaqueen]

Maybe you should think about seeing a marriage counselor. Many churches, or even thr state might offer some free help for you. The most stressful time in a marriage is when the kids come along and money is just not worth having so much greif over. I feel for you and it is sad that so many others are in the same situation that you are. Try to find the time to do this if you can- and to remember that you love each other and are partners. It make take some help to realize that if you want to keep it together. Good luck- you will be in our prayers.

[Cuzco-topia]

Wow, this is pretty heavy. It looks like the two of you had a "system" and responsibilites before J was born, whether this was spoken and agreed upon rule or not. And since J was born, the responsiblities have now changed the dinamic. Unfortunately, these new responsibilites are not clear and have not been fully communicated among the two of you.

Sit down together, explain what each of you need from the relationship. Tell him what you need of him, then return the question to him, asking what he needs of you. Lay things on the table. Explain to him you are stressed and feel like you're bearing the weight of house duties. Men need to hear, "i would like you to...". Likewise, women need to feel an understanding.

Hopefully, if he truly loves and respects you, he will "calmly" and lovingly reconsider helping out more, and being less argumentative. A marraige fails when there is no respect left for each other, not necessary love.

There's always the alternative approach to go to marital therapy. Most towns have a community therapy that charge scale, usually on average starting $20 per hour, once a week.

[TheOtherVillainess]

Sit down together, explain what each of you need from the relationship. Tell him what you need of him, then return the question to him, asking what he needs of you. Lay things on the table. Explain to him you are stressed and feel like you're bearing the weight of house duties.

I don't think he'd listen to me,tbh. He's very stubborn and hardheaded. It's his way or the highway.

TOV

[Jennidisneyfer]

Is he caring or loving? If he sees you're hurting emotionally, does he care? Maybe you can print out Cuzco's advise and hand that to him. Hearing stuff from a third party sometimes takes the confrontational feeling away.

[mamabot]

I am right there with you TOV. Please don't think you are alone in this or that you are the only one with these types of problems. You can always come here to vent. :love:

My husband and I have been on shaky ground for the last few months. We are up and down, good and bad, loving and hating each other. We are at probably one of the lowest points in our relationship right now. We started talking divorce last fall, then we were able to make things work for a while, but then fell into our same patterns again.

We are going to try marriage counseling, but it has taken a lot for me to convince him that it is for the best, even if all it will do is help us to communicate better with each other after if we do in fact get a divorce.

I get a lot of the same crap from my husband that you get from yours. I have learned over the course of the last few months that you have to be strong to get through the tough times.

So vent away. I will have the tissue waiting, as long as you share with me.

[TheOtherVillainess]

If he sees you're hurting emotionally, does he care?

It depends on the situation,really. When he's mad at me, he doesn't care if I'm hurting or not. He thinks if I get upset because HE's upset at ME, then I'm a drama queen.

I don't know..a marriage counselor seems like a big step and we really don't have the money right now. We can't go see a pastor,because we don't go to church (mostly because we can't agree on what kind of church to go to and because we both work retail, which makes finding time off on Sundays to even GO at all extremely difficult).

TOV

[Cuzco-topia]

Was he always like this or did you know of his temperment when you two married? Was this a slow progression?

[dsnylndmom]

First off, you need a big hug and some time to yourself. Even if it's just a few minutes relaxing in the shower or tub.
Second, everything bad that happens is NOT YOUR FAULT!! It's very very important to believe that!!
It's very very overwhelming being the sole care giver of a child and add working to that and it's downright crazy at times. And when you add to that that one spouse is not pulling their weight it's alot on a person.
Money problems are very very hard to work though and it takes alot of work and compromise. Is there any way that the two of you can sit down together, obviously not tonight, and go over a budget plan, or a set of financial goals you want to reach? Maybe make a little picnic or something relaxing at home since your belt is so tight right now?
And Tov, if you really feel threatened enough to think that he may hit, please honey do not hesitate to leave. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me anytime

[dramaqueen]

well, most churches wouldn't care if you were a member. The church I used to go to offered a full time marriage counselor who worked 7 days a week. A lot of churches, of like I said earlier, even the state government would have a licensed counselor that you could talk to. They will work with your schedule and will give you a break on the cost of it if you really want to go. I would try calling the county you live in and see what they can do.

[TheOtherVillainess]

He wasn't always this way..he's been this way ever since the baby and my bout of PostPartum depression, when I was crying all the time and every little thing upset me. He didn't want me on uppers because he said I could get through it on my own. He said I was being melodramatic because I needed antidepression meds for awhile.

I know we can't get divorced..I cannot afford to make it on my own with the job I have now. With what I make every month, I couldn't even make rent and a carpayment. I'd be living IN my car and they'd take my son away, I'm sure of it.

TOV

[Cuzco-topia]

Marital therapy a big step? I think it's a big step that is sorely needed. If the two of you can't sleep in the same bed, let alone hold a calm conversation, than an intervention is in order to mediate between the two of you. ...for your marriage's sake, please.

[dsnylndmom]

He wasn't always this way..he's been this way ever since the baby and my bout of PostPartum depression, when I was crying all the time and every little thing upset me. He didn't want me on uppers because he said I could get through it on my own. He said I was being melodramatic because I needed antidepression meds for awhile.

how long have you been suffering from PPD? Maybe, could you have your dr. talk to him about PPD to show him the importance of the meds. That could explain your tiredness big time.

[TheOtherVillainess]

I've had PPD ever since the baby came and I've been off the meds for nearly a year now. I was on Welbutrin XL for about 3 mos and it really helped. But once my scrip ran out, DH convinced me not to get it renewed by the dr because we couldn't afford it and he said I didn't need it anymore. I read all the books the librarian could find (which DH requested) and he said I'd be fine.

TOV

[dramaqueen]

Talk to your doctor and see if he will give you samples- a lot of doctors will do this and most pharmaceutical companies will give docs as many samples of a drug as they want! Also, most drug companies will give you their meds for free if you qualify for their programs.

Try this website:

http://www.freemedicineprogram.com/

I checked, and Wellburtin is offered here- you usually just need an Rx from your doctor and have to meet minimum income requirements.

Good Luck!

[Cuzco-topia]

No amount of advice we give you will really truely help your marriage. Don't show him what we have been telling you, for he will only think of it as more attacts and he will become much for deffensive and cut off. A marriage councelor is really in order here.

[Disneyphile]

TOV -

Oh, honey... When reading your post, I thought I was reading a narrative of my former marriage. The only exception - we didn't have kids.

But, I completely understand why you feel things are your fault. I, too, was blamed for things, even ludicrous things like being the "reason" we didn't own a brand new house at 22 years old, like his best friend did. (Yeah, he had a real sense of reality.....) Anyway, I was constantly blamed for everything. He'd always yell at me, and I wasn't allowed to go out, because "we didn't have the money" for ME to go out, yet he frequented singles' bars and strip clubs with his best friend (about twice a week). When I asked why he was spending so much time at those clubs, he'd respond with, "Well, those women are nice to look at." (I was chopped liver.) We were married for just under two years, and he walked out once I proclaimed that I wanted my own bank account again, since I had just started a new job. I was told that "wouldn't be fair". During the marriage, I handed over my paychecks to him and I was given an "allowance" - usually only $20 a week, which was to buy anything I needed - clothing, gas, work lunches. (Do the math.) And, he took my ATM card away when I was sick and ran to the store and purchased a bottle of cold medicine for $4, without ASKING him first. My self-esteem was at the lowest point it could go.

Anyway, regardless of your decision for your marriage, please know that everything is NOT your fault. And no, you don't need to be skinny to be loved. Please love yourself, and don't let him take that from you. Keep in mind that while you are a part of the marriage, you are also a WHOLE and COMPLETE person yourself. You are worthy of love, and you're not stupid. Sometimes you make mistakes - everyone does. It's called being human. Find your harmony in life and stick to it. Do what makes you happy and don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

And very important - if you have the fear of being hit, please seek help about that. There are many non-profit women's organizations who can just offer support, but also teach you about the warning signs of emotional and physical abuse. And, they can help connect you with other women who are in the same boat.

*biggest hugs*

[Nephythys]

For once I am going to keep my mouth shut- but please know I feel for you and I send huge hugs your way.

I will leave it at this for now- you don't deserve to feel this way, be treated that way, and I guarantee you that you do NOT want your son to grow up thinking that is the way a man should treat his wife!

Hugs- from a single mom of four, who has been there!