Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

[Disney_Nut]

I just need to get this off my chest. Let me give you a little family history...

My parents were married for 22 years and then my Dad suddenly left to be with the other woman. It took the family almost by shock. That was in '93. My oldest sister J was already married and out of the house when this took place. My sister K was the object of my Dad's mind games to pit her against our Mom. I was only 12 when this all happened and was in total denial even though deep down I had an idea.

Anyways, we didn't really have a relationsihp with our Dad till six or seven years later. Things went okay for a while but it always felt forced and a show more than anything. So K and I eventually distanced ourselves from him for the last 4 years. While J is still in heavy contact with him.

He will call J and constantly tell her about how he never hears from either K or I and what's going on with us and this and that. Well my complaint is that why doesn't he ever call me direct. My number has been the same for 7 years. I feel that it's time that he proved to me that he wants to be a part of my life by making an effort rather than harassing J about K and I.

Well now that I'm getting married it's brought up this huge issue with J against K and I. He wanted to walk me down the aisle. I said no, Mom is going to. I haven't talked to him in over a year much less seen him. The next topic was that he's all upset and J thinks I should designate a "Father/Daughter" dance. I told her I'd dance with him and enjoy him being there but I'm not going to annouce it. To me that says that things are peachy keen between us. It's a lie of what isn't there.

Now that we're just about a week away I sent out emails and made calls to everyone about the rehearsal and dinner (We're doing pizza and just hanging out at the Hall before decorating). J called and said that he really wants to be at the rehearsal dinner. Okay, well he's not involved in the wedding party and I've gotten thank you gifts for everyone that has helped us out and will be there that night. AKA I don't have one for him. She told me to get him a card. To say what I don't know. So anyways, what I told her is that he is more than welcome to come to the dinner portion and hang out but I still won't have anything for him or his wife.

I'm just getting so frustrated with this. So all the sudden since there is a big event in my life he's all upset that he's not top on the list to be involved. And why doesn't he call me instead of my sister. Right now I'm stressed about all this coming together as it is and I don't need this and she just won't quit.

Thank you for listening to my vent and frustrations! Hope everyone is having a great Thursday...

Only a few more days till I'll be in Disneyland and my fiance keeps reminding of it.

[All Aglow]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Here is my advice to you - talk to J about how she's making you feel and then write a letter to your Father and explain to him what you just told us. It's awfully close to your wedding for this but it might just help. The thing is, this is your wedding and you should be surrounded by people that you care about. He hasn't been there enough to be that important in your life and he should understand that from your actions now. You aren't doing this to be vindictive, you are doing this to make yourself happy on your wedding day. He needs to see that, as does J, and back off after wishing you every happiness life can bring you. End of his part of things.

I truly believe you should write him a letter. First, it takes the emotion out of facing him. Second, it makes it easier to organize your thoughts properly and be sure you aren't missing anything or being harsher than you might want to be. Third, he can read and reread it and take however long he wants to respond, or not. Tell him that you don't understand why he can't just call you and is using J as a go between, thus putting strain on your relationship with her, too. Then explain to him that you feel he hasn't been there all this time and you aren't comfortable having him involved in the wedding and you will dance with him but you won't have the traditional father/daughter dance because your heart doesn't take you in that direction. Close up with telling him that you welcome him to contact you and pursue a relationship in the future but he'll have to actually do so and be there for you - if this is what you wish, of course. But, be sure he knows that will be in the future and ask that he please respect your wishes and not interfere in your wedding, which you'd like to keep a happy event.

[Hakuna Makarla]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Here is my advice to you - talk to J about how she's making you feel and then write a letter to your Father and explain to him what you just told us. It's awfully close to your wedding for this but it might just help. The thing is, this is your wedding and you should be surrounded by people that you care about. He hasn't been there enough to be that important in your life and he should understand that from your actions now. You aren't doing this to be vindictive, you are doing this to make yourself happy on your wedding day. He needs to see that, as does J, and back off after wishing you every happiness life can bring you. End of his part of things.

I truly believe you should write him a letter. First, it takes the emotion out of facing him. Second, it makes it easier to organize your thoughts properly and be sure you aren't missing anything or being harsher than you might want to be. Third, he can read and reread it and take however long he wants to respond, or not. Tell him that you don't understand why he can't just call you and is using J as a go between, thus putting strain on your relationship with her, too. Then explain to him that you feel he hasn't been there all this time and you aren't comfortable having him involved in the wedding and you will dance with him but you won't have the traditional father/daughter dance because your heart doesn't take you in that direction. Close up with telling him that you welcome him to contact you and pursue a relationship in the future but he'll have to actually do so and be there for you - if this is what you wish, of course. But, be sure he knows that will be in the future and ask that he please respect your wishes and not interfere in your wedding, which you'd like to keep a happy event.

exactly what I would have said!!!! ( all aglow, your very wise!!!

I would like to add that you need to tell your sister all you have said her, be it in a letter of in person. She should know better then to stress you out like this. he was not there ,has not called or made an effort, he still isn't he is having someone else make you feel terrible, he needs to be accountalbe and stop playing mind games. make it plain to him you have a phone, he could have called you, and to stop having your sister do all the talking and to stop minipulating thru her.
Good luck hon and congradulations

[Disney_Nut]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

he was not there ,has not called or made an effort, he still isn't he is having someone else make you feel terrible, he needs to be accountalbe and stop playing mind games. make it plain to him you have a phone, he could have called you, and to stop having your sister do all the talking and to stop minipulating thru her.
Good luck hon and congradulations

This is what K and I think too. That he's using her to get at us and it's just part of his normal manipulation game. As to the phone thing, I talked to him a few months ago about my Mom walking me down the aisle and I brought that up. He says that he keeps getting my voicemail and leaves messages. I told him that was funny because I never got them nor the notifications of any missed calls on my cell.

Thanks for the AWESOME advice. I'm working on a letter right now and I'll post it when I'm through.

I can't tell you how much this made things just seem all the much better suddenly. :ghug:

[Hakuna Makarla]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

This is what K and I think too. That he's using her to get at us and it's just part of his normal manipulation game. As to the phone thing, I talked to him a few months ago about my Mom walking me down the aisle and I brought that up. He says that he keeps getting my voicemail and leaves messages. I told him that was funny because I never got them nor the notifications of any missed calls on my cell.

Thanks for the AWESOME advice. I'm working on a letter right now and I'll post it when I'm through.

I can't tell you how much this made things just seem all the much better suddenly. :ghug:

Good girl!! this is your time, and they need to back off. I am proud of you and I do not know you . But I am happy your writing a letter. this is manipulation on his part and she should know better by stressing you out on this wonderful occasion. darn them both! good luck hon, and I will sending prayers to you they stop this and all goes well oh and let us see the wedding pics and all about your day when you can

[frecky]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

I agree with everything said. And heres one more thing......something people told me when I was getting married.
This is YOUR day. It is not YOUR job to make everyone else happy. Your wedding is about you, not other people being mad cause you didnt let them be in the wedding or whatnot. While my parents didnt like everything re: my wedding, they were there and had smiles on all day because they knew how happy I was. THAT is what matters.

[Spidergrrrl]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Disney_Nut,

I don't have anything else to add, except that I wholeheartedly agree with what has been said already. This is YOUR day, not your father's.

Soon this will all be over, and you will have a new life with a new hubby to look forward to. Hubby-to-be sounds like he's supportive, and that's really all that matters, since you will be spending the rest of your life with HIM.

:squeeze:

[Disney_Nut]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

J and I got into about the whole "it's our day" why should I go out of my way and how we want things to make everyone else feel important. That's when she called K and got upset at K because she didn't agree with her.

Oh and I'll definitely post some wedding pictures and everything for you guys. We're having a Disney themed wedding since we can't afford a Disneyland one.

Anyways, here is the letter I've drafted:

September 14, 2006

Dad,



I hear that you’re upset with how things are panning out with my and Josh’s wedding. I appreciate that you care about us and want to be involved. As to you not walking me down the aisle, that wasn’t a choice to be mean or vindictive. Mom has been a bigger part of my life along with my relationship with Josh and I felt she deserved that honor.

It really upsets me that you feel that you have to use Jenni to find out what’s going on in my life. It’s nice to know that you are curious about me but I’d really rather you call me. It puts a strain on my relationship with Jenni and only makes me feel that you’d rather talk to Jenni instead of the the source, me. In a way it shows that you don’t really care and only ask Jenni to pose a front for an interest, even though I know that isn’t true. I do know you care but to show that to me, going through Jenni doesn’t work.

Please know that I want you to be there for our wedding day and to be involved in our lives but at this point in my life I need for you to show that you want to by contacting me.

We’re doing a rehearsal dinner at the hall around 5pm. If it wouldn’t be too awkward, you’re welcome to be there. Also, we’ll be taking some family pictures beforehand around noon. I’m not sure whether we’re doing Josh’s family first or my side. So depending on that, you might be standing around waiting.


Thanks for listening,


Lisa

[frecky]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

I think its good. Much better than I could get out!

[penguinsoda]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Excellent letter. Very straight forward and explains everything in a very concise, balanced manner! You did a very good job writing that!

[Disney_Nut]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Well it's gone. It's now in the hands of the USPS for delivery.

I'll keep you posted on what happens...

Should be smooth sailing till mine and FigmentFruitcake's big day. Thanks for the advice!!

[frecky]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Good luck! Whens the wedding?!

[Disney_Nut]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

September 24th! We're doing this Disney style. We're both HUGE fans. He popped the question last December while we were at Disney World.

I'll have to post pictures to show off our Mad Hatter cake that a friend is making. We're going to have sooo much fun. My mother-in-law is getting her own table to put out crazy hats that are inspired by Disneyland; pirates, crowns, cowboy, etc... I can't wait. It's going to be totally crazy but it's us. lol

[penguinsoda]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

September 24th! We're doing this Disney style. We're both HUGE fans. He popped the question last December while we were at Disney World.

I'll have to post pictures to show off our Mad Hatter cake that a friend is making. We're going to have sooo much fun. My mother-in-law is getting her own table to put out crazy hats that are inspired by Disneyland; pirates, crowns, cowboy, etc... I can't wait. It's going to be totally crazy but it's us. lol

That sounds totally perfect!!! We'd love to see pictures!!

[Hakuna Makarla]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

September 24th! We're doing this Disney style. We're both HUGE fans. He popped the question last December while we were at Disney World.

I'll have to post pictures to show off our Mad Hatter cake that a friend is making. We're going to have sooo much fun. My mother-in-law is getting her own table to put out crazy hats that are inspired by Disneyland; pirates, crowns, cowboy, etc... I can't wait. It's going to be totally crazy but it's us. lol

Awwwww now see this is awsome. I can not wait to see photo;s !! Disney inspired weddings, love em!!!

[Stitchy]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Great advice ALL AGLOW!!!

And Disney Nut....that was a great letter. I hope everything turns out wonderful. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your wedding plans. It sounds SO cute!!! You HAVE to post pictures....of the wedding...not the honeymoon. Haha

[Princess Buttercup]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Thank you for listening to my vent and frustrations! Hope everyone is having a great Thursday...

Only a few more days till I'll be in Disneyland and my fiance keeps reminding of it.

I think one of the hardest things about being a son/daughter of divorced parents is that things like this are bound to come up the most at weddings and other special events that you want to be the really happy events in your life!

I think at this point if you just choose to say to yourself "I don't agree with everything my dad has/hasn't done, but I'm going to be the bigger person here and just try to forgive him and love him anyway and include him in some special way" then you will feel a lot better.

It sounds like you have already told him that you intend for your mom to walk you down the aisle and why you made that choice so now he needs to be okay with that. You've also told him that he can come to the dinner , but that you don't have anything special to give to him and he needs to be okay with that as well.

I think as long as your open and honest and speak from your heart with a spirit of compassion and kindness , whatever you say to him will go over pretty well! And who knows? Maybe this will be the begiining of a better relationship with him starting right now and going into the future.

Best of luck to you!


PS We had a lot of the same issues at my daughters' graduation, my BIL's wedding and most recently my MIL's funeral. Everyone behaved like mature adults for the most part and I was really proud of the various children involved because they actually handled things the best.

[All Aglow]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Great letter! I would have gone on way longer, totally diluting the point of it and ended up not making any sense. Yours is nice, shows that you care for him but are hurt by his actions and want to mend things but that you don't intend to do all the work and most certainly don't intend to change your wedding plans at this late of a date because he might be unhappy with your choices. I'm impressed that you got it written and in the mail that fast.

I should add that the reason I suggested writing to him and just talking to your sister on the phone is that you already talk to her, so it wouldn't be quite as emotional and easier to get everything out. You could also write to her, or email, but either way she needs to realize that she's making you feel bad and you'd appreciate it if she'd just tell him to please not put her in the middle and to direct any questions directly to you.

Great job, I really hope things work out! :squeeze: And your wedding sounds absolutely awesome!!

[Princess Buttercup]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Ooopsie. Iwrote my previous post before I read what you had written in your letter. I think it's a good letter. I have one question. Is there any possibility that maybe your dad is talking to Jenni instead of directly to you because he's afraid of talking to you directly?

Again, I think what you wrote in your letter is good. Hopefully he will come to realize that the most important thing is to be there to support you on your special day in whatever way YOU want!!!

[quiltmaker]

Re: Feeling frustrated about family and my wedding...

Your letter sounds really good. I hope everything turns out for the best. It sounds like you're going to have a fun wedding. Remember to enjoy the day and have fun!