I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

[Princess Buttercup]

Here's the situation. My brother in law got married 4 years ago. In the last 4 years , he and his wife have NEVER been to our house for any special occasions, holidays or anything. His excuse used to be that she had to work all the time on the special occasions or that she had to be with HER family on holidays or that they couldn't just leave town because my husband and BIL's mom was so sick and someone needed to be there for her. (She passed away this summer.)


We just got an e-mail today from my brother in law filling us in on various details of his life and he mentioned that once again he and his wife are planning to spend Thanksgiving at their house with HER family and Christmas at HER family's house down south.

I told him about a month ago that it hurts our feelings that the two of them have never come down to our place since they've been married and I asked him if there was a problen and he said "I don't want to discuss this."


My husband and I have always been very nice to both of them and they seem to enjoy our company when we get together for other family functions like thier grandma's birthday or family reunions , but those only happen every few years.


Any ideas of how I can handle this so I can find out what the problem is?


Thanks.

[Paola]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Oh wow, I dunno. I wanna say to leave well enough alone but it's easier said than done. Sounds like an in-law situation that could get stick.

[desertdweller]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Sounds like you are forcing a relationship that doesn't exist. I'd move on.

Our neighbors across the street are two brothers who live next door to each other. Their wives can't stand each other and there's no contact between them, even during holidays.

The brothers carry on their relationship as they always have. They learned long ago they aren't going to change anything.

[kelly]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

it sounds like my brother and his wife.. and my parents.. every holiday they go to her parents place (including mother and fathers day). my mom and dad are hurt by this... i mean they could alternate holdiays.. it is because the wife wants to spend the holdiays with her parents. and my brother has no say in anything. so this could be your brother in laws problem anne

[Jessicalover]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

It sounds alot like my ex-inlaws. When my wife was still alive we tried very hard to get along with her mother and and step father but to no avail. I was not the rich man she felt that my wife should have married. It didn't matter how happy her daughter was only what mt bank account was. Since my wife passed they have made no attempt to talk with thier own grandchildren in over 3 and half years (the kids no longer even want anything to dp with them). Sadder yet she has a son that she hasn't seen since he was 13 and until he was 12 she didn't speak with him (he lived with his father since they split at the age of 2) it wasn't even like she didn't know where he lived they still lived where the did when his father and her were still together. He is 25 now and has his own family and no longer has any desire to talk with her.

So the moral is there are some people whom you are not ever going to be able to get along with and you may never know why either. Don't try and force a relationship that just isn't ment to be. Go on in your life and be as happy as you can be and don't allow it to drag you down. You can't please everyone and not everyone will like you no mater how nice of a person you are. You have to know it is her loss in life not getting to know you for the person you are.

[Disney Wrassler]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

PB, I would be upset too. Especially if my brother was the same way.

the relatives on my moms side of the family are that way too because they have just to much going on in their lives. We are the only ones living here in the South on my moms side of the family. Everyone else lives in California. But my Grandma claims to get sick when traveling, my aunts work for the government down there, and my uncle works a lot too since he is a high ranked official at a sugar packaging place. My cousins can't come down because either a) they don't have money or b) they have other plans.

My brother is the last hope I have of anyone from my moms side of the family coming down to visit. But he can rarely come down because he has a family to take care of and can barely afford time off.

On the other hand, my dads side of the family flies in as much as possible. Especially after my aunt died not to long ago.

So I know exactly what you are going through PB. All I can say is keep trying and one day it will happen. Maybe you might need to meet with them one day for lunch or something and have a conversation with your brother in law and his wife and ask them to visit for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

[quiltmaker]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

PB sorry to hear that they don't want to visit you guys on holidays. (I don't know why someone wouldn't want to come to your house you guys throw a good party ) Things can be tough sometimes but hang in there. We sometimes have issues with my brother but it just seems to take time for things to work out.

[BFJen]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Well, it sounds like a few of us have the same family problems. My husbands siblings have never visited us - ever. They always expect us to come visit them.

Then the few holidays we have spent with his family - it always ends in arguments and major fights. So, I told him that we are never going to his family for holidays again. They can come visit us.

Also, I used to kill myself trying to get christmas gifts and birthday gifts for everyone. We never got a card or anything (except from one sister). So, after 10 years, I finally stopped doing it this year. I feel guilty, but if no one is even going to say thank you, it's not worth it.

So PB, don't feel bad, we've all been there - and yes, it does suck.

[MandaBella]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

No advice really, but just another who's in the same boat.

Hmmm...sounds like my SIL. And looking back, this has been a blessing in disguise because my SIL is quite....well....a bitch. I'd rather not have to deal with her on holidays, so the fact she stays away makes the holidays more pleasant for everyone else who knows how to behave.

Aren't inlaws fun?!!?!? :-P

[ladyalmalthea]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Are they closer?
I'd trick or treat them, bwahaha.
She needs to learn he has family also, and she has to reist their pull once in a while to visit with his.

[pixie chick]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation, PB. It's kind of how things are with one of my brothers, too. He & his wife just up & moved to Georgia last year. Neither one of them has family out there...it's like they we running away from both sides of the family. It's sad because I don't get to see my nephew and we just found out they're expecting another.

I guess some people just deal with issues by not dealing with them, ykwim?

[alphabassetgrrl]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Sounds like my brother. His wife always wants to spend every holiday with her (horribly dysfunctional) family. Not that I make it home to many holidays, but still. My mom wants to see her son once in a while, too, and I hear about it from her.

[twinmom]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Ugh! In laws can just suck at times! I am sorry you are having to deal with this and that they aren't even willing to discuss it with you. :ghug:

[Experiment626]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Sorry to hear about your in-law problems. Luckily I don't have to deal with that. The only thing I got was a cold shoulder from my mom when I stayed home to spend Thanksgiving with my then b/f's family. My parents went to Bakersfield with my brother and sister-in-law's. I always get that feeling that my mom wants my brothers and I to spend all the major holidays with her and my dad...boy does she have another thing coming...

Good luck to you PB.

[ministrychick77]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

only advice i can give would be this: try talking to him when she's not around and see what's going on from his side. if, at that point, he still doesn't want to talk about it? let it go.

i've got the in-laws problem too. my fil is awesome. mil however... yeah. she's on myspace and has me and some other family members as friends. she doesn't even have her son (my hubby) listed. hubby's pretty much the black sheep of the family. mil will yell at hubby about something stupid and not want to talk to him (and he gets depressed over it), but then turn right around and buy me all kinds of things (mainly stitch and wrestling stuff). but it's kinda like she's trying to buy me.


sorry.. went off on a tangent.

[stinkerbell]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

PB, how old is she? She might just be immature and headstrong. When she grows a little as a woman and a wife, she'll be a little more flexible.

I know I didn't go to my in-laws family functions for the first many years of my marriage. Immature, headstrong, and I wasn't able to dissociate my husband's gripes about his family with spending time with them. It took a while to realize that, duh, everyone complains about their family, doesn't mean they don't want to be around them.

Also, the first 7 years of our marriage, my grandpa and uncle were diagnosed with cancer and multiple sclerosis and I spent a lot of time on the weekends going to see them until they died. Lots of family stuff on my side, left me no energy for their side. I clung to my family and my past until I could deal.

I had to resist that urge again this summer when we had a major tragedy on my side of the family....instead, when I didn't feel like it at all, I ran the Race for the Cure with my inlaws and celebrated them (bc survivors).

I feel more whole when I can love and appreciate all my families. I'm sure your sister-in-law knows she's doing something wrong, she probably is sorry, doesn't know how to show it, so she runs. I ran for a long time, too. Been married twelve years now, and I've only just learned to looove and appreciate my inlaws the last five years. I adore them now. I am amazed by them, like to spend time with them, and wish I could take back those years that I didn't.

Hang in there, PB!!! Don't take it personally. It's less about you and more about her insecurities.

[disneyfreeek]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Yah I recently got bull from my b/f's step sis about not going to her bridal shower and I never let her "brother" come see her. His sister has said the same thing. Sometimes you just can't get along with your in laws. I have tried, but these chicks are too mean for me. I would just write it off til they come around to you.

[CUatDL]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Every family has realtives like you describe.

Just surround yourself with good friends. I once heard "Friends are the family you choose".

Go out and choose some new family. If/when your brother wants to see you he will, until then, well, it's a shame, but you may have to let him do things in his own time.

Just MHO, YMMV,

[email protected]

Andy

[penguinsoda]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Like others have said... sometimes you just have to let go and move on, as much at it hurts. You can still be there for him, should the situation change on his side of the equation, but you can only met them beyond the halfway point just so many times... Don't force the issue and in time things could change on their own for the better.

Yes, I think all familys have things like this. My husband and my cousin were best friends from Jr. high up until a few years ago. Something happened... not exactly sure what...now they haven't spoke to each other in years and we live just a few miles apart. His wife (who I've known since jr. high) and I are driven nuts by this, but not much we can do. She and I still do stuff together and just ignore them.

I've always held the belief that if its ment to be...it will be.... I hope in time this situation will get better for you.

[Princess Buttercup]

Re: I'm depressed about this situation ....anyone got any suggestions that might help

Thanks for all the great advice and for sharing your stories. It helps to know that I'm not the only one that's gone through this. I had a rocky relationship with my MIL the first 10 years I was married to my husband , but the last 10 years of our relationship were great. My husband and I spent a lot of time with his brother and wife in my MIL's last few weeks of her life and I thought we had all grown closer which is why I am so bummed out that they're not planning to spend either holiday with us. I'm hoping they will come down some other time if not for the holidays.