Coming Out

[MiceMan]

Well ... ok, first of all, I am sorry if this is the wrong place to post this or if this offends anybody but I feel really comfortable on these boards and I am surrounded by fellow Disney freaks so I figured it would work out.

Now, as the title would suggest I am seeking advice about coming out. I have noticed that there seems to be quite a large number of gay men on this site and I was just wondering if you had any advice. I can never seem to find the right time to tell my mother so I always nervously segue into another topic ... it is really stressful and I really want to just get it out in the open.

Once again, if this isn't an appropriate place to put this please let me know and I will remove it. Thanks.

[Mr.DooDah]

Well, I dont think its inappropriate for this room so I think you can rest at ease, but you left out some details, such as is your family religious, are they or have they ever expressed dislike towards gay people? If its a religious thing that can and may be hard. The other one is a little more easier and my need some getting used to on your moms part. I think maybe for your own sanity I would come out with it and let the chips land where they may. But thats just me, I am very open on my feelings and what not. Are you over legal age of consent.If not than that may also be a hard one to answer and I would wait till I was of voting age.
But I feel honesty is the best policy, for yourself first and then your family.

[MiceMan]

Well, my grandparents and great grandparents are very religious. My grandmother thinks it is a sin to be gay ... I don't think I will be telling her any time soon. On the other hand, my mom seems to be open to anything and everything so I think it will be easiest to tell her first. I do know how I feel and I am completely comfortable with that.

A few of my closest friends do know, and so far they have been very supportive which is helpful. And yes, I am 19 so that should be easy enough.

[Mr.DooDah]

How long have you know you were gay, and do you think your mom might already know? The religious factor is a hard one and the only way to deal with that is to come out and tell her if you feel it totaly necesary (ease of mind) and all. But I would search hard and long your feelings(heart) and let your heart lead. You cant expect in all honesty to have sudden aproval. you know what I mean?...

[MiceMan]

I fully admitted to myself that I was gay for a little over a year. I had suspicions since I was 16 but I went through that whole, it's just a phase thing and then I tried to suppress it and I just realized I was more attracted to someone of the same sex. I do think that my mom may have suspicions but I really don't know because I have always dated girls and whatnot ... I was just never really happy you know?

[DOOM BGI]

My favorite subject!! I'm just a huge advocate for coming out... not just for political reasons (although that's important too) but for your own personal mental health and emotional well being.

I know how difficult it is, and you may not think so now, but what cannot be emphasized enough is how great it will feel when you do finally come out. I see that some friends already know.. well you have already taken the first step! Family is the scariest to think about, I know, and every family is different. But what is almost always the universal post-coming out experience seems to be "wow, I had no idea they would take it so well.." We always tend to imagine the worst when contemplating it in advance.. which is good to prepare for emotionally; just don't let fear keep you from taking the next step.

I could write for hours on this, and I would love to tell you my experiences as well... I'm just not sure how bored everyone else would be with it though

Please send me an email or PM if you would like to chat or exchange email, I would love to give you any support I can!!

CONGRATULATIONS for at least thinking about this at such a young age!! It shows great maturity; and the fact that you are courageous enough to post on a public forum about something so personal gives me a great feeling that you already have a healthy sense of self identity and will have nothing but a positive experience if you let yourself fly free from the emotional bonds of being "closeted" from anyone who you care about and love.

:bow: :bow:

[MiceMan]

Thank you for your support! Talking with my friends has always helped matters and that is why I told them first. I think the hardest part for me will be finding the appropriate time and getting the nerve to talk to her.

[dsnylndmom]

I have no advice to offer but I wanted to say I don't feel it's inappropriate at all to post this here. I'm sure you'll get some wonderful advice and we are here for support if you need it!!!

[MickeyJCA]

I think everyone has already given really good advice, but here's my 2 cents worth anyway!

First of all, you have to come out to yourself, and it sounds like you're already traveling down that path. Accepting yourself is the most important part of allowing others to accept you.

Next, even if your Mom (or Dad --- I don't remember if you mentioned a Dad) suspects, it will still be hard for her to hear the words coming out of your mouth. My Mom started crying even though she later admitted that she already knew. Mom's have a tendecy to be more in touch with their children than Dads when it comes to things like this (sorry Dads... it's just my opinion). So even if she seems upset, don't worry about it.

Also, and I think this is incredibly important, don't get defensive at all, even if you feel like you're being attacked. Avoid arguments at any cost, even if it means stepping away from the situation for a while. Keep the lines of communication open. I told my parents that I would answer any questions that had, anytime they had them, forever. I don't know what your family is like, but it might be good to prearrange a place to go (like a friends house or something) if things turn nasty. Try to prearrange a place where you can stay at least for a night, just in case.

Your family may come up with some really odd ideas and questions. A lot of people don't really understand what 'being gay' means, so you may have to deal with their preconceived misconceptions. My Dad immediatley assumed that I wanted to have a sex change operation when I told him I was gay! It wasn't funny at all, but I was kind of like, "WTF? :confused: " But honestly, that was the extent of his understanding of what 'being gay' meant at the time.

Please remember, it may not be easy, but it's an honest and true thing to do. If anyone rejects you, it's not your problem. But like someone else said, the majority of people will accept you. That's the way it was with me, and most of the people I had to come out to attended the same fundamentalist Christian church I had gone to.

Just like others have said, also, you can PM or email me if there's anything else. Best of luck to you. This is a good thing!!!!!

[Olympicnut]

First off you have to be comfortable being yourself and not pretending to be someone you aren't. So don't try acting like a butch ole thing if you really are a nelly little thing, because it'll show. Just be yourself, accept who you are and the rest is cake.

Secondly, don't come out just because you feel pressure to do so. Come out because you want to share who you are with the people you love. If they love you and care about you they wont give a rats a$$ whether you are gay or not. In fact they probably already know. I was surprised how many people said "oh I was just waiting for you to figure it out". HELLO! I could have used the help! (I didnt come out until I was 29 but always knew I was gay - denial, Catholic guilt, parents that were much older etc etc). Plus the whole media thing of what was perceived a gay man should be like. I wasnt that way at all. I didnt talk like the stereotypical gay man, or act like one, or anything like that so I thought, how can -I- be gay? Honey, if you get off on looking at men, you're not straight - lol.

Anyway in my case being closeted for as long as I was, led me to have medical problems. Pushing those emotions down and pretending to be someone I wasnt led me to end up in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer for 3 days, lost 25% of my blood. I'm fine now (thanks to daily medication) but it was scary. I just want people that are closeted that have fears to know that its ok, be who you are. Some might not understand or may even not want to be a part of your life, and you know what, that's their loss. If they can't accept that you didnt choose this or that they are letting some doctrine tell them how to act then you dont need them in your life, they'll just be a cancer you dont need (trust me I have friends that suffer because of family members that dont accept them).

Good luck on anything you (or anyone closeted that reads this) decide to do. Boards like this are always a great outlet. Hope all works out

[Snacks]

I am a Mom.............
I Love my Sons more than anything.......

I would understand if they told me they are Gay.
I would love them no less.

A Mom understands, tell her first and let her help you tell others.

Good luck

[Jazzman]

As a straight guy, I can't say that I relate much to what you're experiencing. But I would like to applaud your courage, even at just bringing it up here. I admire that you have the strength to be honest with yourself (more people should) and I hope that when you do go through with this it works out well and you find happiness and relief. Take care, and I'll send you some positive vibes and good thoughts!

[MickeyJCA]

A Mom understands, tell her first and let her help you tell others.

Snacks is a good Mom!!!!! :bow:

[Momzilla59]

Snacks you took the words out of my mouth. If my son were to tell me he was gay I would try hard to see his point of view. I would love him no less. Same for my daughter.

MiceMan, you have the support of a lot of people here and in your daily life. I hope that everything turns out for you.

[MiceMan]

Thank you all for your kind words, I will be sure to tell you how it goes when I do find the right time to tell her. (And to the person that asked, I never knew my Dad ... I always grew up with women)

[Snacks]

Snacks is a good Mom!!!!! :bow:

Thank You.........

:bow: Momzilla59 for thinking same way......

[DISNEYJUNKIE]

you do not stand alone: its hard to tell any family member that you are gay, lesbian, unmarried or teen pregnancy , divorcing, single dad , but the beauty of family is that they love you no matter what. when push comes to shove we accept our loved ones choices rather than risk loosing them. And support them one hundred and ten percent. It sometimes takes awhile to digest but the bottom line is you are loved by your family and that will prevail.

[MickeyJCA]

Also, don't expect everyone to welcome you immediately. I came out to my family 8 years ago (yes, I'm a late bloomer...) and it wasn't until this past December when my brother finally showed some acceptance for me and my partner. He's a minister in a fundamentalist Christian church in Colorado, so I think it was probably harder for him because of his job. But still, he's coming around.

For some people, it's going to take some time. So don't immediatly write someone off, especialy if it's someone you really care about. Give people some time. Remember, you've had several years to deal with this, so it takes time for everyone.

[Olympicnut]

Another effect of coming out is, at least for me, when you tell one person, you then want to tell EVERYONE. Its such an amazing relief to finally say the words outloud to another person. It physically lifts so much off your shoulders. I told a bunch of family and friends and then stopped because I wanted to tell my mom before word leaked, but it was getting close to the holidays and so I waited until after to tell her.

Thats another thing, try to do so to the really important people NOT around any major holidays. Like December 24 (if you celebrate xmas) probably wouldnt be the best day to come out. Halloween on the other hand IS our peoples national holiday so...... lol

[Witches of Morva]

ORDDU: What a dear soul you are, MiceMan, duckling! One thing my sisters and I have learned is that it's not even necessary to come out to everybody. Only the individuals you know you can trust--who love you no matter what.

ORWEN: Exactly! Depending on your job situation, it could even be hazzardess to come out, there. (We know of some experiences where coming out at the work place backfired.)

ORDDU: However, your close friends and certain family members is where you seem to be starting. Whatever you decide, dear, just know you're among good friends right here on MiceAge. If we were with you, right now, you'd receive a big hug!

ORGOCH: Got that right! Now, whadaya say yerself and me goes out 'n has us a nice FROG hunt, MiceMan?

ORDDU: Pay no attention to the witch with the swamp gas, dear. She's still off her medication I'm afraid...