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Its...The Monty Python Sketch Thread


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  • Its...The Monty Python Sketch Thread

    The Monty Python Sketch Thread! If I have learned one thing from reading threads about Harry Potter books, its that Micechatters really like Monty Python. So in an effort to keep the zaniness contained I have started this new thread. The idea is that I will start a sketch and the next micechatter will post the next line from the sketch until it is finished. Once the sketch is finished the winner will start the next sketch. I will announce the winner using a complex method involving a dart board and smoked kippers. So without further ado....

    Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ...I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern.....

  • #2
    Re: Its...

    Karl: Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dingle -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mitz -weimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de von...


    • #3
      Re: Its...

      wow havent had a double post in awhile!
      Last edited by Groomer; 06-29-2006, 01:04 AM.


      • #4
        Re: Its...

        The Vocational Guidance Counsellor Sketch

        Counsellor: (John Cleese) Ah Mr Anchovy. Do sit down.

        Anchovy: (Michael Palin) Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?

        Counsellor: Yes, yes.

        Anchovy: Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.

        Counsellor: Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.

        Anchovy: That is correct, yes.

        Counsellor: Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And I think I can say,
        without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.

        Anchovy: But I am a chartered accountant.

        Counsellor: Jolly good. Well back to the office with you then.

        Anchovy: No! No! No! You don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.

        Counsellor: Well chartered accountancy is rather exciting isn't it?

        Anchovy: Exciting? No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull. My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.

        Counsellor: Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative,
        spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.

        Anchovy: But don't you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence. Can't you help me?

        Counsellor: Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?

        Anchovy: Yes, yes I have.

        Counsellor: What?

        Anchovy: (boldly) Lion taming.

        Counsellor: Well yes. Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking?

        Anchovy: No, no, no, no. No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.

        Counsellor: Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?

        Anchovy: Yes, I've got a hat.

        Counsellor: A hat?

        Anchovy: Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.

        Counsellor: I see, I see.

        Anchovy: And you can switch it off during the day time, and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335C...

        Counsellor: Yes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr Anchovy, but you see the snag is... if I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him, 'look here, I've got a forty-five-year-old chartered accountant with me who wants to become
        a lion tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.

        Anchovy: Well I... I've seen them at the zoo.

        Counsellor: Good, good, good.

        Anchovy: Lively brown furry things with short stumpy legs and great long noses. I don't know what all the fuss is about, I could tame one of those. They look pretty tame to start with.

        Counsellor: And these, er, these lions, how high are they?

        Anchovy: (indicating a height of one foot) Well they're about so high, you know. They don't frighten me at all.

        Counsellor: Really. And do these lions eat ants?

        Anchovy: Yes, that's right.

        Counsellor: Er, well, Mr Anchovy, I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.

        Anchovy: A what?

        Counsellor: An anteater. Not a lion. You see a lion is a huge savage beast, about five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about four hundred pounds, running forty miles per hour, with masses of sharp pointed teeth and nasty long razor-sharp claws that can rip your belly open before you can say 'Eric Robinson', and they look like THIS !

        Counsellor: Now, shall I call Mr Chipperfield?

        Anchovy: Er, no, no, no. I think your idea of making the transition to lion taming via easy stages, say via insurance...

        Counsellor: Or banking.

        Anchovy: Or banking, yes, yes, banking that's a man's life, isn't it? Banking, travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people's lives.

        Counsellor: Jolly good, well, er, shall I put you in touch with a bank?

        Anchovy: Yes.

        Counsellor: Fine.

        Anchovy: No, no, no. Look, er, it's a big decision, I'd like a couple of weeks to think about it... er... you know, don't want to jump into it too quickly. Maybe three weeks. I could let you know definitely then, I just don't want to make this definite decision. I'm er... (continues muttering nervously to himself)

        Counsellor: (turning to camera) Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the
        general public of its consequences, by showing young people that it's just not worth it. So, so please... give generously... to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London, SW3.
        St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

        "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert


        • #5
          Re: Its...

          Yes, if I may just cut in on you there, Herr Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dingle -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mitz -weimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.


          • #6
            Re: Its...

            Dear Sirs,

            I take great offence at this supposed "game" you are attempting to force onto the common man. In my day games had definite winners and losers and involved blindfolds and pinning tails on things.

            While I appreciate the effort that went into the creation of this recreation, I did not fight in the war to have some shirt-lifter tell me what games to play or not to play, in fact I didn't fight in the war at all.

            Please take care in the future to make sure that all of your games have either clear cut winners or else blindfolds.

            Yours etc,

            Humphrey Willybung
            St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

            "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert


            • #7
              Re: Its...

              Yay! Another sketch thread!


              • #8
                Re: Its...

                I'm sorry, but we seem to have lost the thread about the thread. So how about a bit of......string?

                Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang!

                Mr. Simpson: Thank you.

                Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...

                Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.

                Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?

                Mr. Simpson: No.

                Wapcaplet: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.

                Mr. Simpson: String.

                Wapcaplet: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell anything.

                Mr. Simpson: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it--

                Wapcaplet: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.

                Mr. Simpson: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.

                Wapcaplet: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"

                Mr. Simpson: What?


                Mr. Simpson: For what?

                Wapcaplet: Uhmm... "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"

                Mr. Simpson: Such as?

                Wapcaplet: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying household pests...

                Mr. Simpson: Destroying household pests?! How?

                Wapcaplet: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it!

                Mr. Simpson: Well surely!....


                Mr. Simpson: 'Ospitals!?!


                • #9
                  Re: Its...

                  So, do I have to break down and spend $100+ at Costco for the whole set, or will you folks transcribe it all for me?


                  • #10
                    Re: Its...

                    Originally posted by sediment
                    So, do I have to break down and spend $100+ at Costco for the whole set, or will you folks transcribe it all for me?
                    Both! While we might be able to transcribe the jokes ,we cannot transcribe silly walks or fish slapping dances.

                    And now for something completely different....

                    Husband: Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.


                    • #11
                      Re: Its...

                      ...And now for something completely different.

                      Number 3 - The Larch.

                      Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe...


                      • #12
                        Re: Its...

                        Anything goes in.

                        Anything goes out.

                        Fish, bananas.

                        Old pajamas.



                        And trout.


                        • #13
                          Re: Its...


                          Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes, it's another edition ofthe game in which you can play with *yourself*.


                          And to start tonight's show, let's see our first contestant, all the way from Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL!

                          (applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks)

                          'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're
                          looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing
                          the name of your LOVER IN BOLTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of your LOVER IN BOLTON!

                          (applause; organ music. Shot of the organist, who has an afro and is stark naked.)

                          Thank you Onan! And now: a letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and a conservative M.P., so that's 3,000 pounds please Mr. S... thank stop us from revealing:
                          Your name,
                          The name of the three other people involved,
                          The youth organization to which they belonged,
                          and The shop where you bought the equipment!

                          (organ music)

                          But right now, yes everyone is the moment you've all been waiting for; it's
                          time for our Stop the Film spots! As you know, the rules are very simple. We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career. (gasp) But, the victim may 'phone me at any moment, and stop the film. But remember the money increases as the film goes on, so-o-o-o: the longer you leave it, the *more* you have to pay! Tonight, Stop the Film visits the little Thames-side village of Thames Ditton.

                          (music--announcer's voice over)

                          Well, here we go, here we go now, let's see...where's our man. Oh yes, there he is behind the tree now.... Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun....
                          He looks respectable, so we should be in for some real...real chucks here.... A member of the government, could be a brain surgeon, they're the worst.... wHOW! Look at the *size* of that.....briefcase. Aah, yes, he's, he's up to the door, rung the doorbell now.... O-oh, who's the little number with the nightie and the whip, eh? Heh-heh. Doesn't look like his mother....could be his sister....If it is he's in real trouble....And just look at that, they're upstairs already... whoah, boy, this is fun! A very brave man, our contestant tonight. Who-ho-ho!! This is no Tupperware party!
                          Very brave man, they don't usually get this far...What's--what's that, what's she's doing to that a CHICKEN up there? No, no, it's just the way she's holding the grapefruit... Whoah, ho ho...

                          ('Phone rings; buzzer goes off; film stops. Applause)

                          (picking up 'phone)

                          Hello sir...yes...aha-ha-ha...yes, just in time, sir, that was...what? No, no, sir, it's alright, we don't morally censor, we just want the money. Thank you sir, yes,....what? You.....okay....Thank you for playing the game, sir, very nice indeed, okay....okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye-bye.

                          Well, that's all from this edition of Blackmail. Join me next week, same
                          time, same channel....Join me, two dogs, and a vicar, when we'll be playing "Pedorasto", the game for all the family.
                          Growing older is manditory
                          Growing up is however, optional


                          • #14
                            Re: Its...

                            Old woman!


                            Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

                            I'm 37!!

                            ...... What??!

                            I'm 37, I'm not old.

                            Oh! Well, I'm sorry but from behind you looked

                            Well, that's what you get for automatically treatin' me like an inferior!

                            Well I am king.

                            Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers! By 'angin' on to our inflated imperialistic dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress...

                            Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere!

                            (all from memory there... I could go on....)


                            • #15
                              Re: Its...

                              The Sperm Song...

                              There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,
                              there are Hindus and Mormons and then
                              there are those that follow Mohammed
                              I've never been one of them.

                              I am a Roman Catholic
                              and have been since before I was born,
                              and the one thing they say about Catholics is
                              they'll take you as soon as you're warm.

                              You don't have to be a six-footer.
                              You don't have to have a great brain.
                              You don't have to have any clothes on, you're
                              a Catholic the moment dad came.


                              Every sperm is sacred,
                              every sperm is great,
                              If a sperm is wasted,

                              God gets quite irate.
                              God gets quite irate.

                              Let the heathens spill theirs,
                              on the dusty ground.
                              God shall make them pay for
                              each sperm that can't be found.

                              Every sperm is wanted,
                              every sperm is good.
                              Every sperm is needed,
                              in your neighborhood.

                              Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
                              spill theirs just anywhere
                              but God loves those who treat their
                              semen with more care.

                              Every sperm is useful,
                              every sperm is fine.
                              God needs everybodies,
                              mine, and mine, and mine.

                              Let the pagans spill theirs
                              on mountain hill and plain.
                              God shall strike them down for
                              each sperm that's spilled in vain.

                              (misc. choruses and finale)
                              Growing older is manditory
                              Growing up is however, optional


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