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Snakes On A Plane - The Phoenix Review - Spoilers Welcome

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  • Snakes On A Plane - The Phoenix Review - Spoilers Welcome

    Fellow Micechatter Lane did a review for SOAP, and I didn't want to do this one without noting his/hers. If you want to see that one, click the following link.

    I don't think this one should be merged with that one, cause it's going to have more details and possibly spoilers if anyone wants to put em in there. But whatever happens, happens.

    Ok, time for the Phoenix review. Sorry it's been a while, the last one I did I believe was Superman Returns, but I've been busy working and had not had much time to get on here to do anymore. Since SR, I've seen Pirates 2 of course, and Barnyard. Both excellent movies. But now to the topic at hand.

    Just saw Snakes last night, and here's the best insider perspective. First of all, as any best movie goer's know, any movie with the da man Samuel L. Jackson, is going to be a good movie. The whole "bleepin" line for the film was something that was later added after either Mr Jackson or someone who was creating the film saw the line on the internet. This movie is not for the faint of heart. Also not for kids, not just for the scary part of it, but for the brief nudity and sex scene torward the beginning of the film.

    An amorous couple decide to join the mile high club and this was the first snake strike when one decides to join in on the fun. And also, there is a part in the film where another snake bites the genitalia <sp?> of a guy using the bathroom. I left that one out of the spoiler boxes, so that anyone can see that if they haven't seen the movie yet and plan to take their kids. There were some laughs and I had heard when the movie opened that there were more laughs then there were scary parts, but it depends on your definition of scary. There were many parts to make you squirm, jump, or hide your eyes. Now to the spoilers.

    The film is generally about a young male from Hawaii who is a witness to a murder by a major crime boss by the name of Kim. Mr Jackson plays FBI agent Flynn, who convinces the young surfer to testify against the boss in Los Angeles and escorts him on a 747 to LA. An associate of Kim finds the plane and puts a cargo of poisonous deadly snakes onboard (and apparantly an anaconda which we find out later), behind boxes of Leis that were sprayed with pheramones to make the snakes go nuts and be extra aggressive. The container holding the snakes is on a timer set to go off when the plane is over the Pacific. The first snake makes his appearance when a couple is getting freaky in the bathroom, biting on one of the girl's nipples to get a laugh out of the audience. The flight crew outside, think it's just the couple getting it on and just leave them alone. Their dead bodies fly out later in the chaos. The next one makes his appearance from a toilet when a guy is urinating and bites what it mistakenly thought was a "plumbers snake". Snakes are making their way throughout the plane, taking out avionics and this is where the captain and copilot figure out something is going wrong, but not what. The captain opens the door to the cargo hold and goes down to investigate and gets taken out by a snake. Meanwhile, the passengers are either asleep, or just completely unaware by what's slithering by their feet and in the workings of the plane around them. One even goes in the dress of a stereotypical old overweight woman heavy with makeup, and she doesnt even know it. With avionics out, the plane is bouncing around and to the unaware passengers, it comes off as turbulence. The copilot is left to manage the controls and eventually is joined by a few snakes. He tries to take one of them out, and ends up hitting the oxygen masks button or switch, and this is when the chaos begins. Because with every mask that drops, the snakes come down and I tell you, this part is not for the faint of heart and goes on for about 15 to 20 minutes. People screaming, getting bitten, bodies dropping, people climbing on seats to avoid the snakes and getting out of the way. Parts where you see people's face being swollen or disfigured as a result of the snake bites and even one part where a snake slithers out of a mouth of a dead victim, who was apparantly the only doctor on board. Flynn and his witness, have comandeered first class so they have it to themselves for the flight and the safety of the witness.

    But when the chaos begins, this was when Flynn jumps into action, tazering anything that slithered, getting everyone to the front of the plane. He orders everyone to work together and get all the bags and anything they can find to bar the openings to coach and confine the snakes. A flight attendent hears an infant crying in coach, and goes back in to rescue her and the mother and gets bitten in the process. The mother uses an old technique from back home in her country, using olive oil, to suck out the poison in a small boy's arm which is now inflated like a balloon due to the cobra bite he suffered. Meanwhile, back in the cockpit, another snake pays a visit to the copilot and takes him out for a while. There is no one to fly the plane, and the head flight attendent played by Julianna Margulies, goes to investigate and has to do battle with the pit viper which is eventually "axed" from the movie. But with the plane now doing a nosedive to the ocean, it is sending everything in coach to the passengers waiting by the stairs to first class. Including a beverage cart which pins a newlywed couple to the wall, leaving them victim to a spitting king cobra, who bites and nails the groom in the eye which in turn begin to flush out. Yes, creepy. Everyone is now dashing up the stairs which cannot handle the weight and both railings break off sending everyone to the floor, just after a huge anaconda who was up in the lights breaks through the glass and crashes to the floor. This is the part in the preview where you see a big snake hiss at people and slither off. Flynn and Julianna are able to get the plane leveled out, and the copilot reappears with a bad arm and is able to fly the plane. The autopilot is also turned on and things seem calm for now, with the exception of the chaos below.

    The snake slithers off to coach but starts to come back to the people who are now on the floor. Former tv show clueless star Sunny Mabrey is closest to the door, along with a rude passenger who takes her small dog named Mary Kate and tosses the annoying thing to the anaconda for a small appetizer. The audience gasps, the girl screams and yells at the jerk, untill the anaconda then comes up and makes him the main course. And just like in the 2 anaconda movies, you see it wrap him up and wrap his mouth around the guy's head and this was the last we see of the two. Everyone clambers up the stairs and uses an inflatable raft to block off the opening.

    Flynn now has to go down into the cargo hold to get the air back up and running, and yes there are some snakes down there. Meanwhile, another FBI agent who is working with Flynn, played by the guy who was the cop boyfriend on Will & Grace, is taking care of things in Los Angeles. He finds the best poisonous snake expert there is, who in turn tells him that there is nothing he can do for the poisonous snakes on board the plane because they're from around the world. And LA only has a few antivenoms. They must find the guy who sold the snakes to Kim, and get the antivenom. They are able to find him and get him to point out Kim as being the one who ordered him to do it. The guy also tells him what they did to the snakes with the pheramones, used to make the snakes go hyper and is spread by the air on the plane, which is now being turned back on by Flynn. He fights off a few snakes, and makes his way back up to First Class. His FBI buddy tells him he got the guy and has the antivenom ready. But they still have to get there. They try to find out what is going on with the copilot, but when he doesnt answer, Flynn prys the door open to find him falling out of the cockpit dead, taken out by a third set of snakes. Flynn slams the door, and now they have to find a pilot. They look to Kenan Thompson, who has flown over 2000 hours in almost every hi tech plane created.

    But on a playstation 2!!!

    With the only person who knows how to remotely fly, they now have a plan. And this is where Flynn finally says the line that is so typical of Mr Jackson. We all know what it is, and this is a family board, so I'll leave it out.

    Now don't read the following if you haven't seen it yet, and want to see it, and don't want to know what happens.

    Everyone straps in, Flynn & Kenan get ready to get in the cockpit while Flynn shoots out a few windows and the plane immediately loses cabin pressure at 30,000 feet in the air. Everything not strapped down gets sucked out, including the snakes in the cockpit (when the door is opened), the raft, and apparantly everything in coach. Kenan lands the plane and Flynn praises the almighty Playstation. Everyone gets off the plane, the antivenoms get treated, and the last ones off the plane are the witness Sean and Flynn. Just as Sean is about to hop down the slide, one last snake jumps out and strikes him in the chest, sending him down the slide to the medics below. And Flynn whips out his gun and shoots him in the chest and takes out the snake. The medics tend to Sean, Flynn goes down the slide and tends to Sean. Sean appears hurt, but Flynn rips open his shirt and we see a bulletproof vest with two bullets jammed into it and Sean is alright. The guys flirt with the flight attendents, we then see Mr Jackson on a surfboard as the credits roll.

    This is I guess a movie parody of some other horror movies, supposed to have some comedy to it. It does, but as I said, the scary scenes seem to outnumber it a bit. And as the R rating says, for some intense scary scenes. And yes, they are INTENSE. I had my feet up on the railing in front of me the entire time. This is not a movie for someone who fears snakes. This one WILL scare you and WILL make you jump and squirm. I don't usually jump and there was one part where it did get me. But apparantly the critics don't like it, and though it was number 1 last weekend, it fell down to number 9 this weekend. This movie mostly had an internet buzz to it, and once that fan base saw it, the hype and grossings dropped like a brick. There was one shock to the film, that seemed to have gotten everyone. The male flight attendent, appeared to should I say it......uhm, like Jack in Will & Grace? But when the plane landed, he was greeted by his hot girlfriend and they were very amorous with each other. Was this something missed by the writers or what? Oh well. This movie has been nicknamed Anaconda 3, but it has no ties to the first 2 movies, even with the big fat snake in it later on in the film. I still like the "Anaheim" Angels parody of this film, aptly dubbed "Monkeys On A Plane" used to get laughs out of the fans when the Rally Monkey needs to make an appearance.

    For my rating on this film, on a 1 to 5 scale with 5 being the hottest, I give this movie a 3.5 flames, a level of warm on the toasty side on the flame scale. Not quite hot like some of the other good Summer movies, but still it had its thrills can still give you a good adrenaline rush. But heed the warnings, it is not a movie for the faint of heart. It does have some intense scary scenes that the 2 anaconda movies can't even compare to. Even though that every single snake was 3G, unlike in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the cobra was real only there was a window pane between Indy and the snake, these snakes looked real enough. And with that, I close this review with the most appropriate "snake line" for this movie.........

    "Snakes! Why'd it have to be snakes?!?!"
    Last edited by AidensDaddy; 08-27-2006, 03:03 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Snakes On A Plane - The Phoenix Review - Spoilers Welcome

    ORWEN: Well, I don't normally have anything nice to say about snakes, myself. But--in this case--I think it's just amazing how well they did in the movie. I mean, how often is it you find that many snakes in one casting call who know how to slither, hiss and bite on cue?! It's just incredible!! If I were a human actor, I'd be ashamed at how well some creatures out there know how to act so much better in front of a camera!

    ORGOCH: Ya've really gone 'n lost it this time, sister. Just ain't no denyin' the facts...